In a world where everyone dates online, it can be hard to get noticed. So, in honor of the reboot we at The Black Sheep let the David Lynch surreal mystery show, Twin Peaks, run our dating life in a daring attempt to solve the murder of prom queen Laura Palmer. The results? As backwards as the red room.
6. ) The Gum Girl:
She loves her gum! But notice how quickly she changes the subject? She’s dodging the interview, and turning the questions back on the investigator. Very suspicious. It’s just possible that she killed Laura Palmer’
5.) Stacy, or maybe Diane:
Interestingly, Diane seems to be lying about her identity. And she refuses to acknowledge to town of Twin Peaks, and the delicious cherry pie that can be found there. Diane/Stacy is definitely a person of interest in Laura’s murder.
4.) The girl who thought I called my you-know-what a log:
For the record, it’s completely inappropriate to refer to your p***s as a log. You might refer to it as your yogurt slinger, meat scepter, or skin flute, but never “log”. That’d just be gross. Based on her confusion, clearly, Liza did not kill Laura Palmer.
3.) The girl who was too polite:
We’re from Twin Peaks, obviously. Jean’s ignorance is so profound and foolish that it must be genuine: it is extremely unlikely that she killed Laura Palmer.
2.) The girl who asked too many questions:
Our secrets are our own. Why does she care so much about our deductive technique? Does she want to use to undermine the investigation? Tanya is officially a suspect the murder of Laura Palmer. We’ll send some boys down from the station to keep an eye on her in case she tries to skip town.
1.) Fiesta walk with me:
Leela seemed immune to our slightly racist charm. After this exchange, she ceased responding. We took the hint: she did not kill Laura Palmer, and doesn’t appreciate being called a chihuahua.
The wisdom of Agent Dale Cooper and Sheriff Harry Truman can really help with your love life, and with solving decades-old crimes through dating apps. They always have something to meaningful to say. It’s just too bad we never found Laura’s killer, or got laid.
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