5 Things at Pitt with a Lower Approval Rating than Trump

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

Our overlord-president has had quite the struggle with his approval ratings recently, his lowest clocking in at just a 34% approval.  After recent strike on Syria he’s caught a little bit of a break, his approval bumped back up to a 40%.  Whether you love him, hate him, or are his Illuminati clone hiding in wait until the day he finally snaps, here are five things at our very own university that we would give a lower approval rating than Trump.

5.) The Cathedral Elevators – 20%:
A hint for all you freshman who still haven’t figured out all the Pitt tips and tricks yet: don’t take a class that’s above the third floor.  The recent renovations have done nothing to help with just how slow the Cathy elevators are.  The wait time is longer than the wait for the Chick-fil-A at 12:53 during the weekdays.  It’d be quicker just to walk up the 20 flights of stairs to your beginner literature class, but let’s be honest- only the try-hards would do that.

4.) Tuition Hikes – 3%:
This one should honestly have a zero percent approval rating, but I wasn’t allowed to leave out Gallagator and his cronies.  Also, there’s a few rich people here and there who really couldn’t care less about how the rest of us are being slowly buried in our student loans.  Take a deep breath and brace yourself for next year’s sacrifice of a few hundred dollars so we can fund the upkeep of our lizard people’s human suits.  Not all hope is lost however.  We’re bringing up our proposal to nuke the Dean’s office at the next SGB meeting.

3.) Cardiac Hill – 20%:
There are few things in this life more tragic than missing your 10A and braving the walk to upper campus.  Or maybe, you broke your arm on your drunken bender and have to hobble your way to the hospital.  Maybe you just live in Lothrop.  Inevitably, we all are confronted with the monstrosity that is Cardiac Hill.  At least it’s close proximity to the hospitals will save you if you pass out or have a heart attack from braving its steep incline.  At least it’s a good place if you’re trying to work on your fitness- it’s a workout in itself and leads you to the Pete.

2.) South Oakland Basement Parties – 32%:
Look, there’s no reason to be ashamed.  We’re all desperate until we reach that sweet age of 21, or secure a fake ID.  But let’s at least be honest with ourselves- you aren’t having the time of your life here.  There’s nothing fun about drinking cheap beer and punch served out of a trash can in the grimy basement of some house on Parkview.  You’re in close proximity with enough people to make even the extroverts squirm, and the only way you’ll get any action is by sneakily coping a feel as you squeeze by the most moderately attractive girl in the room on the way to get more alcohol.  Just say no kids.  You’re better than this.

1.) The Black Sheep – 10%:
We’re not above self-deprecating here. We know we blow up your notifications by posting in all those groups you wish you hadn’t joined. Look, we put effort into our shitposting. We try our best. To our loyal fans: thanks for bringing in those sweet, sweet clickviews.

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