Yikes Panthers, we’re 4 games into the season and Pitt football is looking pretty abysmal. James Conner still plays football at Heinz Field, but now for a team with annual playoff hopes. Nate Peterman is back to being a backup (but getting paid pretty well to do it), and Quadree Henderson looks like he forgot he was an All-American last year. But, it’s not all bad news. Because our season was over before the first day of fall, it means our Saturdays are now completely free to do other fun activities! Here are some suggestions for ways to fill up your Saturdays instead of going to Heinz Field.
6.) Frisbee golf:
Did you know that Pitt has a Frisbee golf course at Schenley Park? No, you didn’t, because you aren’t a middle-aged man who’s too out of shape to play anything else. Or maybe you didn’t know because you haven’t gotten a chance to explore beautiful Schenley Park due to your loyalty to the Pitt football program. But now’s your chance. Go throw discs of plastic into above ground holes among the stoners and weirdos.
5.) Get a flu shot:
You keep complaining that you’re always getting sick. You never go to the doctor because you’re always super stressed out (which makes you more sick) and/or super drunk (which makes you feel sick). You could catch up on your work and avoid the stress that comes with waiting until the day before to finish your assignments. You could feel mentally and physically better that way or you could trick yourself into believing a flu shot will help cure your crippling self-destructive tendencies. Plus its one of the very few things Pitt offers for free on this campus.
4.) Costco trip:
Listen, we’re not rookies, okay. We know what Costco is like on the weekends. It’s a mad house, with post-menopausal women patrolling the aisles like hyenas. It’s controlled chaos at its finest. If you want to waste 4 hours of your life shopping for bulk groceries, it would still probably be better than the 4 hours you’d waste at a football game. Think about it, you get free samples, free air conditioning, you still get to see the culmination of a week’s worth of careful, strategic planning, and the food is super cheap.
3.) Build a puzzle:
Wait, wait, wait. Hear us out on this one. You and your roommates probably haven’t gotten a good chance to spend quality time with each other this year. I mean, how much quality time can you spend with someone at a tailgate? Now your lazy Saturdays can consist of a nice cup of tea and your entire apartment or house building a 2,000-piece puzzle together. You’ll get to know each other really well, and when you’re done, throw some glue on that baby and hang it in your living room for some classy décor! Then wonder if you need a prostate exam or a colonoscopy because nobody under the age of 45 is doing anything like this.
2.) Petitioning the university to save 7/11:
It’s almost over, folks. Instead of spending your Saturdays watching Pitt’s team get dragged along the field, spend this upcoming Saturday contributing to a cause. Stand outside the freshly closed 7/11 with picket signs of your choice, begging Gallagator to let them move back, or at least make the new grocery store semi-affordable. And have Slurpees.
1.) Finish planning your Frenchi’s turtle debutante ball:
You made a drunken decision one night. You stumbled into Frenchi’s just looking for some good drunk food and you walked out with a turtle. Before you woke up the next morning, you’d placed an order for enough monogrammed napkins for everyone in your residence hall (despite the fact that you clearly aren’t allowed to keep a pet turtle). But it’s too late now, you’ve invested too much. Take time off from the Rice game and finish planning. The cake still needs to be ordered, you need catering figured out, and you don’t even have a venue picked out!
Just because Pitt’s football has been a disappointment doesn’t mean your Saturday still has to be. So get out those frisbees, pack up those Costco carts, and puzzle on!