You’re discussing housing with a friend, one who has secured a quaint 8-bedroom, half-bath shack in South O which for 19 people. They ask where you’re living next year. You shrug and say you “haven’t really looked yet.” Their eyes grow wide and they gasp with astonishment at how much of a lazy piece of shit you are. You act like it’s no big deal, but you know in your heart that all the good houses at Pitt are long gone. You’ve waited too damn long. Now, the time has come to decide where you’ll be perching your cardboard box next year:
6.) Towers Lobby:
Charming open floor plan with multiple nooks and alcoves to set up a cardboard box. Wake up to the smell of coffee from Common Grounds and the stampeding of freshmen on their way to Market. Public restrooms are available, but almost always closed for cleaning. Panther Central is just a few feet away should you get locked out of your box.
5.) Hillman Library:
Quiet neighborhood except for midterms and finals weeks. An abundance of free chairs makes Hillman a homeless entertainer’s dream spot. Those without a cardboard box can use books to make a fort.
4.) Schenley Plaza:
Beautiful, scenic outdoor location with nearby restaurants. What could be better than falling asleep while staring at the stars and contemplating your piss-poor life management skills? Resident is responsible for damages that occur to their box due to incoming Frisbees and bird shit.
3.) Forbes Ave:
With a plethora of dumpsters behind the restaurants, Forbes Ave offers the prospect of a fresh sleepin’ box every day. This social hotspot is a prime location for those who want to be engaged with the Pitt student body. Your friends will see you in your box as they walk to their real apartments, envious of the rent-free life you’ve built for yourself.
2.) The back alley behind Towers:
Be surrounded by your own kind: pure garbage! This cozy plot of land is where the Market Central waste is dumped–free food! If you’re lucky, eventually the garbage men will pick you up and drop you off at a dump where you belong.
1.) The middle of Fifth Ave:
Many will swerve to miss you, but eventually, a car or bus will come crashing through your box. Available spots are opening up constantly, keep an eye on this popular location!
House hunting season may be over, but box hunting season has just begun. See you next year, you procrastinating idiot. Try Craigslist next time.
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