Pitt has a beautiful campus during the spring and summer months, which quickly declines into a grey, wet, frigid landscape of despair in the winter. The only color accenting the sea of sludge is purple salt scattered on select patches of sidewalk. The treachery of this icy campus coincides with a collective loss of motivation among students. Exhausted students are looking for the easy way out–that is, self-inflicting injury in order to win a lawsuit. Here are some of the best ways to get yourself some reduced tuition this winter thanks to Pitt’s disregard for winter safety.
6.) “Accidentally” fall in front of the 10A:
The 10A shuttle waits outside of Cathy for a solid 9 hours before taking off. That doesn’t mean you won’t be a little late catching it. Wouldn’t it be a shame if just as the bus was pulling away from the curb you desperately flung yourself in front of it? How could you have been sure it was moving, what with all the snow coming down?
5.) “Trip” on your way up to Chevron:
Pitt does its darndest to salt those steep-ass Chevron steps, but is it enough? One of the stairs is bound to be icy, and some poor soul on their way to chem recitation is bound to step on it. As they slip backward Charlie Brown-style and hurdle toward imminent concussion, their final thought will be–if only there had been more salt.
4.) “Unintentionally” ingest the salt:
Too much salt is just as dangerous as not enough salt. Have you seen those little safety golf carts, throwing it willy-nilly even as students are passing? How has it not already been fired into someone’s face? Maybe you just wanted to lay down on the sidewalk and make a snow angel. Maybe your mouth was wide open to catch a few snowflakes. Maybe instead you caught a hefty serving of sodium chloride. That’s a hospital trip, right there.
3.) “Forget” to wear clothes:
Pitt sends you so many Campus Connect texts, and yet none of them warn you how fucking cold it is outside. As a student, you’ve got enough on your plate–why should you be expected to check the temperature before leaving the house? For all you know it’s balmy out and semi-nudity is called for. It’s all fun and games until your underdressed ass stands in the middle of Schenley Plaza for hours and gets frostbite.
2.) “Fall” out a window in Cathy:
Who can resist Cathedral’s beautiful views on the upper floors? Watch out though, those windowsills get a bit slippery in the winter. If you’re hanging out of a window enjoying the scenery, it’s likely that your next move will be falling to the icy sidewalk below. As your life flashes before your eyes, just know that if Pitt had warned you first, you might’ve escaped injury.
1.) “Eat” a Tide Pod:
Okay, so this one might not be winter-related, but have you ever noticed the signs in Pitt’s laundry facilities? They go in-depth on water conservation and how to use the machines. But none of them explicitly tell you not to eat the Tide Pods. Bone app the teeth.
Now that you have a few helpful tips, get out there and “accidentally” get injured (wink, wink) at the fault of the university. Do it for the financial compensation and for all the times you said you wanted to get hit by a bus. It’s your time to shine.
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