8 New Cocktails for the New You in the New Year
It’s the New Year, but despite your constant attempts to, you haven’t changed a bit. This semester – just like every semester since you discovered that you can start drinking booze in the afternoon – will find you being the same garbage person you were always meant to be. So, to prepare you for another 365 sunsets alone, The Black Sheep, overworked and a little tipsy, has come up with some signature cocktails to help you look like you’re changing in 2017.
8.) The Garbage Person:
2 parts cheap whiskey
1 glass of frat boy keg beer
2 breath mints (for when you inevitably vomit)
This cocktail is simple. It’s a new twist on an old classic – the boilermaker. But instead of dropping the shot into the beer, you take the two shots and hurl the beer across the room, hopefully hitting someone else and starting a brawl. Welcome to the trash!
7.) The Good-Bye 2016:
Equal parts vodka and Diet Wild Cherry Cola
2016 saw a nation mourn a gorilla for six months and then elect a lizard person president, so 2017 has got to be about forgetting as soon as possible. Fill up a few water bottles with soda from the dining hall and pour in as much $12 vodka as your sad little heart desires.
6.) The Binge-Watching Parks & Rec Again Instead of Going Out:
1 box of wine
1 box of Cheetos
1 box of tissues to soak up your tears
This is for when funds are low after you spent way too much online shopping the day after Christmas. (It happens to everyone.) You can’t afford to go to a bar or a terrible South Oakland Party where you might run the risk of buying pizza on the way home. Stay home and drink about what you’ve done.
5.) The Going to the Gym:
2 parts tequila
1 crushed-up caffeine pill
3 parts Red Bull
2 napkins for when you go to Burrito Bowl instead
Ever since some hero scientists figured out weight-loss benefits of tequila the world has been a brighter, happier place. So if you’re serious about this new year’s resolution to get swole or yolked or jacked or big or shredded or any other shape except the soft and round you currently are, down a few of these and hit the Pete… to get food! C’mon you’re not going to the gym just because it’s January.
4.) The Reading More:
Literally anything from Hem’s. It’s called Hemingway’s, right? That’s the same thing as reading basically.
3.) The Feeling Comfortable About the Way You Look:
3 parts hot chocolate
1 part bourbon
1 candy bar
It’s delicious. Just treat yo’ self, because honestly, you earned it when you didn’t take the elevator to the 3rd floor of the Cathedral.
2.) The Your Ex is Here:
3 parts gin
1 part lemon juice
1 part club soda
It’s especially strong because you’ll need it to deal with the walking garbage that is your ex. And there’s plenty of lemon juice so it stings a little extra when you splash it in his face!
1.) The Black Sheep:
1 Avant-garde Tres Leches Cake but made with Four Loko
This one’s a closely-guarded company secret, so we can’t tell you too much about it. What we can say is it’s powerful, it’s innovative, and you don’t drink it… you eat it.
Try to enjoy 2017 as best you can – there’s a new “Ask Cathy” feature on the Pitt homepage, the bus schedules are changing and the winter is supposed to be even worse than last year’s. Bottom’s up!