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CONSPIRACY: Students Scramble to Decipher Meaning of ‘Oakland 200’

Pitt basketball season is now upon us, and there’s no denying what everybody’s major focus should be: the new Oakland Zoo t-shirts. The shirts are unquestionably the strongest component of the athletic department, known for their varying logos and for implicitly shaming the poor students who wear old shirts to games. Because of their significance, students are understandably confused by this year’s new logo, which changes the beloved “Oakland Zoo” name to a loopy, cursive-style “Oakland 200.”

Many questions have arisen as to why the name changed so suddenly, and why it was only announced in t-shirt form. Some students speculated that it was to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Pitt’s basketball program, the first game of which was played at Ye Olde Pete in November of 1817. Others assumed it was the number of times lazy students tell their friends they are going to purchase season tickets, but never do. Freshmen have been the hardest hit by the change, going above and beyond to pretend like it was “200” all along. Fake stories about how they always wanted to cheer in the Oakland 200 (pronounced “Oakland Two-Hunna”) have been circulating among new-student groups.     

In response to all of these speculations, the Pitt athletic department admitted that the change was a subtle effort to alter student involvement. “We thought that if we changed it to Oakland 200, we could actually limit the student section to only 200 students,” one representative stated in an interview. When asked why they would ever want to do that, the answer was simple: “Because no one went to any damn football games.”

The rep went on the say that the move was a matter of consistency. “We can’t have a two-thirds empty football stadium followed by a jam-packed basketball arena. It makes our football program look like shit. Free beverage if you stay the whole time? What the actual fuck was that?” The athletic department simply reasoned that the school’s student sections needed to look equally weak across the board. This would give the impression that students were apathetic year-round, not specifically toward football.

“We have a brand-new message for other ACC schools,” the interview concluded. “Pitt students don’t give a fuck no matter what the game is. Build them a new arena, give them a free bus ride, bribe them with food – they will never, ever attend.”

Unfortunately for the athletic department, the move has already backfired. More students than ever are attending basketball games, eager to be a part of this new-fangled “200” squad. “This has been my dream since I was a little kid,” one freshman stated. “I got the number 200 tattooed on my ass as soon as I got accepted to Pitt.” Indeed, morale has never been higher for Pitt basketball, and it’s all thanks to those stylish new t-shirts. 

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