We’ve all heard of the Midas touch, and one thing is for certain, neither Chris Blewitt nor Nate Petermann have it. And while Nate “Butterfingers” Petermann less than perfect, they managed somehow to get to a few places where a field goal kicker was needed this past Saturday. And what did Blewitt do? He punted it into the back of a lineman on Pitt and missed an extra point. But what happened next can only be explained by the post-game interview The Black Sheep conducted with The ‘Duzz, and is basically the Pitt equivalent of the Midas touch.
“After he missed the extra point, he walked over the sidelines. I felt so bad for him, and at the same time, a momentary lapse of manliness on the field overtook me. I kissed him.” Confessed The ‘Duzz.
From that point forward, Blewitt had an excellent performance and kicked a 48 yard field goal to win the game for the Panthers. Narduzzi put it in his own way:
“Call it what you will, bro love, bromance, bro-on-bro action, or something a little more aggressive than the slap on the butt ‘good game,’ but it worked. I can kiss people, things, and animals, whatever…and then suddenly they start winning.”
Since the discovery of the power held in this man’s lips, coach Nardizzi has been contracted out and paid to kiss a wide variety of objects and people. He recently kissed Pitbull to make his music stop sounding bad. He also kissed the Browns’ QB and kicker so they don’t suck anymore. He has individually kissed all science faculty at Pitt in order for them to start teaching better. He has even kissed the 10A so it runs faster and doesn’t stop at only Cathy for 30 mins straight. Students have been lining up for him to kiss their pencils, tests, laptops, and other school and non-school related things.
“My lips are getting tired! I already have an infection from this and soon I’ll get herpes if people keep making me kiss things! I just wanted to win football games!” fumes The ‘Nard to a press conference
Chris Blewitt actually seemed weirded out by the whole thing and attributes (while it is very unlikely) the field goal to him actually being a good kicker. Blewitt said this in a press conference after the game after The Black Sheep’s reporter continuously heckled him drunkenly while shouting ‘WE DID IT!’ every five seconds:
“I mean, I train hard, and I get out what I put in. I genuinely think that that field goal was a result of my skill as a kicker. Narduzzi isn’t even that great of a kisser and I was certainly not hard for nard there…”
Whether this is a new ritual or not, The ‘Duzz is getting a rare surgery to remove his lips, so nobody asks him to kiss things anymore. His wife weighed in:
“Well my husband has been kissing everything but me! He even kisses our car more than me so that he doesn’t have to take it to the shop!”
Whatever magic is in those lips, it will be gone soon, just like Pitt’s chances of a possible run in playoffs. I guess we can just settle for some bowl game.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: