Leaked Email from Chancellor Gallagher Reveals No Snow Days
Pitt’s chancellor, the esteemed Patrick Gallagher, has overseen some controversy in his time in office. From the battle for state budget funds, to the resignation of Coach Dixon, to Pitt’s the steady yet strangling tuition hikes that have left students concerned but powerless, Gallagher has faced some tough battles. But no battle has been as easy for him as his decision to make the spring 2017 semester, even in the throughs of winter, completely devoid of snow days.
In an email recently leaked – The Black Sheep cannot reveal our true sources but since blaming the Russians for hacked emails seems to be the fashion of the last few weeks, we might as well blame them too – in an email recently hacked by Russian spies and revealed to the public at large, Gallagher has made explicit his intentions to strip this semester of any chance of snow days. Through some serious, and totally not made-up or booze-fueled journalism, The Black Sheep has obtained a copy of Gallagher’s email to the general staff. It reads as follows:
To the Staff of the University of Pittsburgh:
I know that times have been tough for us all over the last few weeks. The weather has been cooling quite a bit, which is natural for the onset of the winter season – and only made worse by that dirty rumor about global warming which is meant to hurt American manufacturing. But nevertheless, we’re going to experience some colder weather in the coming semester.
It is important to me, as both your academic boss and your Lizard overlord, to inform you that there will be NO CANCELLATIONS of classes due to inclement weather in this semester. We have a lot of students who are paying in excess of 30,000 dollars per year to go here who certainly don’t want that money to be wasted because of a little bit of snow and ice. After all, if they didn’t want snow and ice they would have chosen a more hospitable location for schooling, like Mars or South Beach.
I want to make it abundantly clear to all faculty of the University of Pittsburgh that I DO NOT CARE about the students’ comfort or ability to leave their houses. I do not care about the City of Pittsburgh’s pitiful plowing of residential streets such as Atwood and Bouquet. If the students truly wanted safe, salted and plowed, roads they would pay the thousands extra to live on campus. But since they don’t, and since their money isn’t going to me, I couldn’t care less about their comfort or ability to walk to class.
As a last note, I ask all Pitt staff to please make an effort to dispel the rumor that I am a lizard person. I do not know how it is this rumor/joke started, but it is getting on my nerves and I would like for it to stop.
Unrelated, if anyone sees any deliveries of very large heat lamps and boxes of sand, please direct them to my office, so my secretary can take care of it.
It looks to us like Pitt students are going to have to suffer through a long and hard winter. Walking to class and avoiding the ice and snow will have to be top priority for every panther, since it isn’t going to be a priority for Chancellor Gallagher.