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Observational Study Shows Pitt Security Guards Are Completely Unaware of Everything

Pitt researchers from the sociology department recently published the results of an on-campus observational study. The study, which analyzed the behavior of security personnel at Pitt residence halls, has confirmed a common suspicion among students: those people don’t know what the fuck is happening. Ever.

The troubling results come after quietly observing the behavior of the guards across several semesters. Researchers noted that regardless of the residence hall or the time of day, security guards were unaware of their basic job requirements and failed to pay attention to their surroundings.

“It was painful, actually,” said one of the researchers, who chose to remain anonymous. “The guards seemed thrown off when asked to do the most basic things, like signing people in or unlocking the door. That’s assuming they were conscious.”

The study came with a chart which highlights the most common activities of the average security guard:

Readers will note, a large amount of the pie represented time spent on the phone.

“Seriously,” said another researcher, “how the fuck are they always on FaceTime? Who are they talking to? Who holds 6-hour conversations? How do their batteries last that long?”

The study goes on to say that the epidemic is worsening. Recent reports of security guards being asleep at their posts, or worse, not even being in the booth at all, are concerning. What’s more, polling of Pitt students suggests that no matter how badly security guards are fucking up their jobs, they will act as if the student is at fault.  One Ruskin Hall student relayed their security guard experience when trying to sign some friends in:

“They didn’t know how the computer worked, so they started yelling at me for having too many friends over,” said the student. “When they finally figured it out, they were too exhausted to unlock the door. We all just stood there and watched them sleep–face down in a pile of crushed Cheetos.”

Pitt maintains the narrative that all campus security guards are highly trained and have the safety of students in mind. In a statement responding to the study, Head of Security stated, “We have the highest of standards when hiring new security officers. All applicants must be living, breathing human beings, with pulses and some degree of upper-body mobility.”

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