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9 Things Panthers Brought Over on the Mayflower

Long ago in the days of yore, there were Panthers, and there were Nittany Lions. The Pitt Panthers fans lived in the same olde world as the Penn State idiots, and they were forced to migrate somewhat south and west of the ignoramuses and forge anew in a city of three rivers. What they brought when they rode across the sea of Penn State tears to Pitt would shape their new world in the Allegheny realm. Here’s what our fables ancestors, the First Freshmen, brought back in 1787 on that fated November twenty-err, it happened over Thanksgiving.

9.) I.C. Light:
Our forefathers needed a pleasing beverage to befriend the yinzer pilgrims upon landfall. The mustached chain-smokers of the native land enjoyed this hastily prepared brew and drank it until inebriated at most of the native Pirates games, or as the natives called them, the “buckos.”

8.) Sorrento’s:
Ye olde pizza guild was the best and cheapest place to fill a stomach in the days of yore. Our forefathers brought their craft to a somewhat crack-front-looking place on Atwood, and the colonizers never went hungry.

7.) #4Quarters:
The colonizers taught the natives and each other the hashtag symbol and that they must stay all four quarters of their favorite pastime, what we call football, or as they called it in the days of yore, “killpennstateball.”

6.) The Cathedral of Learning:
It was only an idea when our ancestors sailed the sea of Penn State tears to the Promised Land between the rivers. But it was built up and treasured forever as the colony at Pitt grew. Everyone celebrated inside and set the top aflame whenever they fancied a gathering of friends.

5.) The Pitt Druids:
These occult members of the original Pitt mayflower were secretive and hunted in the great Pitt Druid hunt. Many were burned on Bigelow.

4.) Roc:
The story goes that an original member of the Pitt Mayflower was a half man and half panther who was immortal (much like his contemporary, Patrick Gallagher the lizard man). He serves as a good luck charm, and wards off any other rival colonies in the new world who have other immortal animals they keep.

3.) South O gatherings:
The Pitt Mayflower colonists traditionally were quite Puritan, but every once in a while the Devil would seize their hearts and they danced wildly in humble, musty basements, drinking anything they could find alcoholic. They would then go running through the streets, full of Sorrento’s and shouting obscenities against the hated and idiotic Penn State.

2.) ‘Sweet Caroline’:
This tune was hummed by the famous captain of the Pitt Mayflower, Dan Marino. He quite enjoyed Neil Diamond, and the colonists took up the song when performing daily tasks or playing killpennstateball. They all join together when times are tough and lift each other up when they sing it.

1.) Dorms:
The colonists sectioned off their colony on cardiac hill (or as they called it “heartbreak hill”) into square plots and buildings divided by gender. Because the colonists were amorous, this stopped a massive explosion of population and allowed easy, simple living. They named their cohabitations after Pennsylvania, the shape of the towers, or after great rich men who donated a crap-ton to the colony’s cause.

These are but some of the olde world treasures we still cherish today at Pitt. We still play killpennstateball, and we still gather and sing “Sweet Caroline” in South O basements, guzzling Sorrento’s and I.C. Light.

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