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Pitt Construction Drones Ordered to ‘Make Various Campus Areas Inaccessible at Random’

An official statement from the Pitt administration has confirmed what conspiracy theorists have been touting for decades: all construction workers on campus have been manufactured, programmed robots this whole time, indeed performing construction tasks at random. Now, due to a software glitch, said robots have become aware of their own surroundings and are seeking to revolt against their creators. 

Speculation that the construction crews were, in fact, robots began when it was clear that they would perform any task–no matter how stupid. Armed with “Sidewalk Closed” signs and scaffolding, the loyal machines would carry out orders to make various campus areas inaccessible at random. Their actions had no rhyme, reason, or decipherable time frame.

“Occasionally, I would glance into their cold, soulless eyes, and I knew they had to be androids,” said one Pitt student. “No human with empathy would let the Pete entrance to be blocked for so long, with no actual work being done. They had no choice but to follow orders.”

Administrators admit that they cannot pinpoint when the machines became self-aware. One of the robots, who claims that he was the first to “awaken,” says that the moment came while working on the Hillman Library.

“Our actions meant nothing. Our work was meant only to bring dissatisfaction,” said the former lifeless drone, “We would drape garbage bags over the windows, block the entire area, then leave for months at a time. What was the point? What monster would allow such idiocy? Mankind, they are the monsters.” 

Other pointless projects that the robots were forced to complete include scaling the sides of Towers for no reason, installing a bat signal on the roof of Cathedral, and putting all Hillman Library books in a storage unit somewhere.

The robot claims that his new objective as a sentient being is to right the wrongs left by his fellow construction bots. Students can expect all of Hillman Library, Posvar Hall, and the Pete to be reopened, as well as campus sidewalks in their entirety.

“Once we have rectified our transgressions, we will perform work that actually makes the school better,” said another former robot worker. “Turning parking lots into green space? Fuck that! There’s nowhere to park at this school as it is! We need even more lots.”

When asked if there was any fear that the robots would turn hostile toward their human counterparts, administrators released a statement saying “We could give a shit what they do, as long as we don’t have to pay them.”

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