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Pitt Dorms as Books You Read in High School

Every single dorm at Pitt is different. Some feel like palaces for the bourgeois. Others feel like factories where the proletariat work until they die. With each dorm’s individual personality, a comparison to some classic novels can be made with ease.

6.) Panther and Irvis Hall are The Great Gatsby:
That’s right, old sport. East Egg and West Egg reside on upper campus. With laundry facilities on every floor, suites, personal bathrooms, and a 10A bus stop right outside, these two dorms are for the rich and beloved. Your sorry ass probably can’t even afford to stare longingly at the sparkling windows. The security guards do not stay on FaceTime their entire shift; you actually have to tip them for their assistance. Keep dreaming, old sport.

5.) Towers is Lord of the Flies:
Are you going to be murdered? Is anyone in charge? Will the people peddling their clubs in the lobby try to eat you? Such are the questions you ask when entering Towers, the Pitt-equivalent of Golding’s novel. Both include scared children acting like adults, the worship of a strange, almighty God (the pig’s head on a stick that is Panther Central) and some truly horrific dining options.

4.) Holland is Wuthering Heights:
Just like 1700s England, Holland is not remotely air-conditioned. Seriously, get ready to sweat. Also, like Bronte’s novel, there are too many girls to keep straight. Half of them are named Catherine or Katie or some shit. This dorm is so old it would not be surprising if a ghost named Heathcliff was flying around.

3.) Forbes Craig is Julius Caesar:
This dorm is where the Honors students reside. They plot and scheme to rise to the top of Pitt, staying up all night drinking shitty, self-made coffee and loitering by themselves in Hillman study rooms. They, too, plan to stab any person smarter than them in the back. If you live here, the Ides of March probably represents the forty-thousand midterms you have to study for. They, like Marc Antony, make impassioned speeches: Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears! I am an HONORS student and thus my life is harder than yours! Have fun in Tower A, peasants! Don’t get creamed by a bus crossing Fifth Avenue!

2.) Lothrop Hall is Walden:
It’s cold. It’s lonely. You aren’t getting any pussy. Just like someone’s gotta read Walden, someone’s gotta live here.

1.) South O Apartments are Catcher in the Rye:
Just like Holden, the people who live here are probably tossing around the idea of suicide. Not, like, seriously. But each time they see another disgusting South O alley, sad-eyed prostitute, or a ridiculous rent check leave their hands, going “Out West” is a comforting idea until next month. Still, like Holden, the folks who live here will be ridiculously condescending to any upperclassmen living on-campus. They may be experiencing financial woes, anxiety, constant fear of robbery, and general self-hatred, but they won’t hesitate to call you a big, fat phony for still hanging around at Bouquet.

There you have it, folks. Those books you read in high school are worth more than that underwhelming 3 on the AP Lit test. They’re also good for snap-judgments about dorms at Pitt and the students who populate them.

 

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