If you’re reading this, you’re a Pitt student. If you’re a freshman, your room is most likely a trapezoid, your kitchen is a MicroFridge®, and all your fresh food is sniped from Market and overpriced at Market-to-Go. If you’re an upperclassman, your kitchen is probably smaller than a coat closet and barely has enough room to open the oven without hitting the wall. But it’s that time of year (no, not Christmas, give the white colonists their holiday please) and you want to enjoy one last trash meal so you can fully indulge in the dank ass meal Granny is cookin’ for you back home. So, The Black Sheep has created some tasty and cheap recipes for your Pitt Friendsgiving.
5.) Microwaved turkey:
Purchase a turkey from… maybe Aldi (R.I.P. 7-Eleven). Fun fact: turkeys drown in the rain because they stare up at the storm. So, the next step is to drown your turkey in some Natty rain. Next, you want to murder it again, this time slowly in the microwave for about 24 hours. Yes, this recipe takes some time and diligence. With the proper attention, however, this bird can be cooked to maybe edibility.
4.) Natty gravy:
First, pour those Natty turkey juices into a pot and set the burner to a simmer. Add some flour, or protein powder, or dust, whatever, to thicken the Natty and turn into a stock. Add some spices – preferably salt and pepper from stolen Market shakers – and she’s good to go.
3.) Mashed O fries:
First step, obviously, is to get a large fry from The O. Ask for the fries to-go with cheese on the side (because who doesn’t love cheesy potatoes?). When your fries come out, make sure the lid is secure, then step on them. Throw them at the wall, punch them, kick them, let all your frustration out on the fries. Pretend the box of fries is Jason who ghosted you two weeks ago. Think of the fries as Emily who told everyone you did that thing that you actually didn’t do so now you get paranoid when people whisper when you walk past them. Let the fries know what they did. Take it all out on those fries until they become soft and mushy and almost unrecognizable. And there you have your perfect mashed O fries!
2.) Flaccid green beans:
The limpest of green beans are most likely available canned or stolen from Market. Heat these bad boys up in your nearest microwave or on the stove or even the oven – whatever just cook these sons of bitches. You can’t eat them raw and there’s no way to un-limp them so whatever cooking method will do. How long? I don’t know just enough until they aren’t burnt but they’re also not still bathing in their canned juices.
1.) Halloween jack-o-lantern pie:
Gotta save room for dessert! Still have that pumpkin you carved “Pitt Daddy” into rotting outside on your porch? Don’t throw it away! Repurpose it into a decadent Friendsgiving pie. First thing’s first, gut out those innards. Although the majority has already been dug out, the remaining inside is now perfectly soft from bathing on your porch every day for three weeks! Just add some milk or creamer, sugar because it’s a dessert, and probably an egg or two. Then, pour into a pre-made crust from that weird convenience store by your house that may or may not be a drug hub and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. Now you have a lovely dessert to share with all your friends.
Now you can share the joy of a definitely-appropriate-not-at-all-terrible Friendsgiving holiday with everyone you routinely get drunk with. Just don’t forget the apple cider jungle juice.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to our POD: