Pitt has ten schools of study and over 100 majors. Sometimes, you can figure out someone’s major without even asking, sometimes just by looking at them. But do the names of these majors fit those who study them? Here are some of the more common majors renamed for what they really are.
7.) Engineering–The smart child:
You’re the smart one of your family. All other siblings are subpar. Your family has been relying on your success since you popped out the womb, but if you fail: dishonor on you, dishonor on your family, dishonor on your cow.
6.) Nursing–Wonder Woman/Superman in training:
You are our future heroes. You have superhuman strength to pull through your whole week. Most of your day is studying and worrying about studying. Somehow, though, you always seem to have a brave face.
5.) English–can’t do math:
You don’t know what the quadratic formula is but you sure can pull a ten-page paper out of your ass. Everyday you’re asked: “So, you want to be a teacher?” No, because then you would have majored in Education, dumbass. Still, you know there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll end up being a teacher and hating your job. Too bad you never figured out two plus two.
4.) Political Science–shut up:
When we say something slightly wrong and you start with, “well, actually…,” we immediately tune out and look at each other like Jim from The Office looks at the camera. We get it, you’re opinionated. You are our future leaders. Thanks, Obama.
3.) Psychology–pothead who can’t do any other science:
It’s a mystery how you’re majoring in anything since you never go to class. You practically live in Schenley Park and have seen Tame Impala in concert so many times you lost count. But, whenever we have a problem, you’re cool, calm, and collected and remind us to go where the vibes take us.
2.) Computer Science–gaming and memes:
Even with your day jam-packed with Stephen Hawking level math courses, you still manage to send a daily meme into the class Facebook group. We can always find you taking study breaks in your dorm to play Legend of Zelda.
1.) Business–future Trump:
Your goal in life is to have everyone hate you and your hair. You like to bully the little man and grab life by the profits. When anyone stands in your way, you build a wall and make them pay. Your future is huge.