The Snapchat Maps function has taken the age-old question, “Where’s everyone at?” and eliminated it from the modern vernacular. Why ask what people are doing when we can creep on their whereabouts in real time? Indeed, it’s a great time to be a stalker, but even the most hardcore lurkers sometimes see Bitmoji combos that they cannot unsee. Here are some unsettling duos that you would rather not see together on Oakland Snap Maps.
5.) 7-11 owner, Don Young, and Pitt Vice President for Business, Jim Earle, at 7-11:
In the wake of the 7-11 closure on Forbes Ave, only one thing is certain, absolutely no one on campus wants the store to go. The last thing students need is a larger, more overpriced Market To-Go that isn’t even open 24/7. Don is probably doing everything he can to persuade Jim to let him stay, but you know it’s a lost cause. The Pitt-Sodexo regime is too strong.
4.) Cathy and any one of the Litchfield Towers, anywhere on campus:
Oh my God, how the hell did an entire building move several blocks away without anyone noticing? When Cathy’s water broke last week, there was much speculation that the kid didn’t belong to her longtime partner, The Pete. Pitt’s campus architecture is notoriously promiscuous, and Towers will do anything to get freaky with the Cathedral of Learning. Ghost mode, Cathy, use ghost mode!
3.) Chas Bonasorte (AKA the t-shirt guy on Bigelow) and your mother, corner of Forbes and Bigelow:
God damn that smooth-talking stallion and his reasonably priced apparel. He’s preying upon your innocent mom and suckering her into more Pitt t-shirts she doesn’t need. The merch is average, but your dearest mother is another victim to that *gulp* irresistible sales pitch.
2.) The ghost of William Penn and the ghost of K. Leroy Irvis, upper campus:
It’s about to go down. The two are brawling over who deserves to have the honors dorm, formerly known as Pennsylvania Hall, named after them. In one corner, there’s a very petty Penn, who already has the entire state and an ivy league school baring his family name. In the other, you have Irvis, who has a really nice Hillman reading room. It’s anyone’s fight, folks.
1.) Anyone of the “Christian interviews” protestors, at Towers:
Those poor little Bitmojis will see a counter-protest of biblical proportions if they show up again. This is why Snap Maps was truly created – so we’d be ready in the event of an unapproved display of bigotry. Tolerant Bitmojis, UNITE!
Even when your Pitt peers aren’t physically around, remember they’re always watching/stalking with the convenient help of Snap Maps.