6 Explanations for Mike Posner’s Terrible Hair at Bigelow Bash

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

So Mike Posner played Pitt yesterday, and more or less, this is what he looked like:

Yah that dude definitely took a pill in Ibiza. And yeah, the Pitt Program Council should have booked Migos instead (like they could have but decided “we can’t have two rap shows in one year”) but it did not make Mike Posner look cooler to us (maybe to Avicii). So with all this wonderment about his hair, which didn’t even look that nice yesterday, it was more of a somebody-just-puked-fruit-roll-up-on-my-head kind of look. So The Black Sheep decided to think up a few ways that his hair could have gotten this way just from being on campus…

6.) He Went To One of The Weird Haircut Places Here:
Yeah, sometimes Supercuts or Sport Clips on Forbes just gets it wrong. Like really wrong. This is a prime example of this. Mike Posner was just getting his haircut while he was in town and when he said “I want to look pre-teen” the hair cutter heard either that or “the color green” then just combined the two styles.

5.) He Ate At Market One Too Many Times:
Those just-add-water eggs combined with the frozen pizza and murky dishwashing water all over the plate drop-off to become a super chemical dye which worked its way through his bloodstream and concentrated in his hair. Complicated, but ya hate to see that.

4.) He Tried Mimicking a Stop Light:
Mike Posner saw one too many yinzers run reds on fifth and he decided he could do a better job, so is now directing traffic with his hair. Although, it’s ironic if he was mimicking a green light, because one of his three popular songs is named Please Don’t Go.

3.) He Went into the Wrong Lab in Chevron:
Some chemicals/rooms in Chevron are better left un-entered. Mike Posner showed up to an undergrad chem lab on the wrong day when some inattentive student spilled bleach everywhere. His hair was already dyed blonde and then it turned green in a chemical reaction. The TA then had the kids study this instead of another pointless experiment that nobody cared about.

2.) He Dunked His Head in Gatorade:
Mike Posner must have been hanging with our nonexistent basketball or football team and they dared him to dunk his hair in concentrated Gatorade juice in one of the jugs for 36 hours straight. Mike Posner is weird, but he ain’t no wussy.

1.) He Got Too Close To Gallagator’s Radioactive Sludge-Filled Lair:
We all know Gallagator has a sludge-filled lair because he indeed is a lizard person, just look at the facts. Mike Posner possesses the knowledge and cleverness to go find the secret grotto which Gallagator spends his time in mucking around with other lizard-hominids and hung out for a little. And because everyone knows that radioactivity turns stuff green, that’s how his hair became this color.

The Black Sheep could not care less how it got to be how it is, but there is one thing for certain: we all want to know if that carpet matches the drapes.

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