It’s a Tuesday morning, you just walked out of an exam, and you’d like to get your booze on. Sadly, it’s frowned upon to walk into bars at 9 a.m. if you can find any that are open. Also, you’re damn broke and all you have to your name are a few Panther Funds and a freshman Market swipe hookup. Let’s make Pitt put our tuition money to good use for once, and get these places an Oakland liquor license, stat.
7.) Market Central:
To no one’s surprise, hungover Market breakfast on a Sunday would be infinitely better with a Bloody Mary or two thrown into the mix. Just imagine the possibilities. A beer with your plastic cheeseburger. A shot to help you chase down the flavor of whatever abomination Tutto Fresco made. Liquor would almost make $13 dollars a swipe worth it.
Not the Cathedral Cafe, not even the coffee cart. Just replace the whole coffee cart with a fully stocked bar, honestly. A certain number of alcoholic beverages are paid for as part of your tuition, so you can get just drunk enough to handle classes. Even better, just have G-Door move into Cathy. You can wake up with trash cans in any flavor of Red Bull your heart desires.
5.) Towers Lobby:
Why don’t we just replace all the coffee carts with bars? Stumble out of your dorm in the morning and wake yourself up with a nice Mike’s Hard because you’re a freshman and don’t know how to drink any alcoholic beverage that isn’t sickly sweet yet. Now, just like you don’t have to leave the building to get food, you don’t have to leave Towers to get drunk either!
It’s time to drink your troubles away. Whether it’s bio, chem, or any other science that’s got you down, a bar in Chevron would let you walk right out of that exam and erase the memory of it from your mind right away, no questions asked. Preferably this bar would be self-serve so that no one has to interact with you acting like a crying, mopey mess.
3.) Benedum Hall:
Ah, a great place. Install a full-service bar here and watch the engineering students get absolutely shitfaced to avoid their suffering. Let them yell about their high school ranking and how they’ll never have to worry about job prospects to each other, and just leave the rest of us normal people alone.
2.) Hillman Library:
The ground floor is loud enough to be a party anyway. Just remember to also get drunk for your exams, so that the taste of bottom shelf liquor reminds you of what you need to know.
1.) The Pete:
Okay, so we’re pretty sure the Pete does sell alcohol, at least when it hosts concerts and other non-Pitt events. But why not make the switch to selling it all time? Work on your abs by trying to hold in that Natty Light you just shotgunned outside the gym. Hey, at least you made it up a slight incline to the Pete, you deserve some sort of alcoholic reward for that.
Of course, most of you wouldn’t be able to partake, since you’re under 21. But don’t worry, if we ever get G-Door in Cathy, we’ll make sure to pass an “if-they-look-like-they-could-be-21-they-are-21” rule. Can’t you see, Chancellor Gallagator? Pitt would be so much of a better place if you’d just give us what we want.