The Seven Circles of Pitt Hell

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For some people Pitt is a paradise on earth, and to those people we say communications majors’ opinions don’t count. Because for most of us, when the exams start piling up and the weather is crazy unpredictable, and Market food starts to erode our stomach linings, we think that Pitt is more of a hell on earth. And unlike the Devil’s Hell (allegedly), Pitt only has 7 circles of its very own Hell.

7.) Pathfinder purgatory:
Just imagine it. Forever touring Oakland, forever hearing how many windows the Cathedral of Learning has. Forever staring at those ugly striped shirts. This is only the first circle guys, get ready.

6.) Tower A rooms:
So this time, you’re sharing a room with someone you don’t know very well, and sharing a bathroom with 39 other guys. At first, there are 5 showers, then there are 3, then there’s 1 shower for all 39 of you. Your room starts shrinking, feeling more like a coffin. The claustrophobia and germophobia consumes you and you go insane.

5.) Chevron steps:
The next step in our descent is actually an ascent. Walking up the Chevron steps, over and over, and it never ends, the steep climb stealing the air from your lungs and getting your shirt sweaty as you have to stomach the O Chem exam you just bombed big time.

4.) South O basement:
And this next level is a literal descent, into the dungeon-esque basements of South Oakland. Here, you’ll be constantly hit on by drunken douchebags and it’ll be 150 degrees the entire time and the only alcohol is from a warm keg and the beer will be super gross and the guy carrying the good liquor is super creepy.

3.) Market food forever:
Now you’re sitting in Market, at rush hour, a million people walking around you. You’re forced to wait hours for an average piece of pizza and right as you sit down, you see a maggot in your food and you’re forced to go back up and wait again.

2.) Pitt basketball game post-Dixon:
Enough said. Please come back, Jamie. We hate Kevin.

1.) Cathedral flooding:
And lastly, the one thing we hold near and dear to our hearts. In this final circle of Pitt Hell, you’re sitting in Cathy, in class, a seemingly normal day here at Pitt. Then, the room starts filling with water, higher and higher, you can’t get out. You’re drowning, of course, but you also have to see the Cathedral crumble all around you, falling down and taking Pitt’s entire reputation with it.

Those fools who think Pitt is all fine and dandy have another thing coming. But we know the truth, and we’ve accepted it. We’re all stuck here forever, for four years, in this horrifying Pitt hell.