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How to Stay Warm on Your Trek to Class as Oakland Winter Approaches

The temperature is dropping just like all our GPA’s, and like our GPA’s it doesn’t look like it’ll come back up until spring at the earliest. So, as all living beings have done since the beginning of time, we must adapt and survive. There are the traditional methods, and then there are the untraditional methods, the methods that either determines a species becoming dominant or a species becoming extinct. All of this is a very dramatic prelude for our very own directions on how to stay warm this winter at Pitt!

7.) Don a Roc suit:
Do Panthers ever get cold? We can’t imagine getting chilly when shielded from the cold in a furry panther costume previously worn by a bunch of sweaty dudes dancing in packed (or probably empty these days) gyms. We also can’t imagine you wouldn’t get MRSA, or get hit by a car trying to cross Bigelow due to the negative peripheral vision you’ll have. 

6.) Make a coat out of squirrel fur:
Fancy yourself a hunter? Set some traps around campus as to entrap and skin some squirrels and make a dope winter coat! You might have to catch quite a few, but there’s an abundance of squirrels and a scarcity of college students willing to kill them. As a bonus, you’ll get the choice of squirrel meat instead of Market/Perch!

5.) Steal your roommate’s belongings:
Is your roommate a little bitch? Or are they your best friend/soul mate? Either way, if they have warmer clothes than you just take them and wear them around. Survival of the fittest right? You can apologize for wearing your roommate’s flannel underwear at a later date (like right now, sorry Garcia!).

4.) Participate in No Shave November/December/January/February/March(?):
Pack up that razor and just LET IT GROW, LET IT GROW (sung in a Frozen voice) because that perfect girl is gone! She’s now actually letting her body hair do what it’s intended to and keep her warm this winter.

3.) Get winter wasted:
Pretty simple. You won’t feel cold if you’ve always got your beer blanket/bacardigan on! Sure you’ll be sitting in Chevron absolutely hammered, but you weren’t going to understand that mechanism on the first try anyway so is it even hurting you? The answer is yes if you ask your liver.

2.) Create heat from souls:
Ever wonder why you never see your professors wearing winter coats or beanies? Its because they stay warm by failing you guys and feeding off of your depression and desperation. Think of your professors as Dementors, but instead of getting out of it by just yelling “Expecto Patronum” and shooting a stag out of your wand, you have to study for 10 hours and memorize the citric acid cycle. Harry Potter had it easy.

1.) Hibernation:
Just put on a ton of weight, like a TON of weight, and then sleep for 3 months. Bears call this hibernation. We humans refer to it as a few different things, such as “laziness” or “giving up”. But hey, the only thing we’re giving up is a cold winter! As well as our health and grades and social life but those things don’t really matter when you have a bunch of Netflix shows to catch up on.

There’s a lot of ways to stay warm out there, so be smart and remember what The Black Sheep taught you!

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