10 Blatant Lies the Pitt Pathfinders Tell Visiting Students

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Remember when you were a bright eyed and bushy-tailed high school student, walking around Pitt’s campus for the first time with your ever-walking-backwards Pathfinder as they explained the sights of our university to you?  Let’s take a nostalgic look back at some of the favorite lies pathfinders tell potential students.

10.) Everyone Loves Pitt Football:
You’re a freshman, all dressed up to support the Panthers, but when you finally arrive to Heinz Field you realize it’s basically a ghost town, with just a few students and the band.  Football games have dreadful attendance, with most students opting to spend their Saturdays studying, drinking, or lying in bed and debating their reason for existence.  You soon learned that the only game that ever mattered was Pitt vs Penn State, and the rest were garbage.  Basketball isn’t any better.

9.) Market Food Is Actually Pretty Good:
No, no it’s not.  The food you were served on that visit was the best food we Pitt students have seen in months.  It’s the only time Market Central actually puts in any effort, the rest of the time we’ve been stuck eating vaguely warm chicken patties with stale buns and pasta that may or may not have one time been contaminated with maggots.  Our stomachs haven’t been the same since our orientation week honeymoon with Sodexo ended.

8.) People Actually Walk Up Cardiac Hill:
Unless you drew the short end of the stick and ended up in Lothrop, no one actually uses Cardiac Hill.  It was just another ploy to make Pitt seem cooler than it is, because we have this hill that’s really steep.  You walk up Cardiac Hill once your freshman year before you discover the savior that is the 10A, preventing you from confronting how truly out of shape you’ve become.  The freshman fifteen hit hard.

7.) The Pitt Druids Are Just An Inside Joke:
They’re there, the undercurrent of our university.  Stay woke.

6.) You’ll Like Living In Towers:
Newsflash: you’re not going to be best friends with your roommate.  You’ll probably hate each other after a few months.  You’ll never keep your door open, because that would mean associating with other people and we just can’t have that.  No, we ALL hated living in the dorms.  Your only hope is off campus housing or Bouquet.

5.) Pitt Is A Safe Campus:
Ah, the times when you didn’t have to double check that you locked your door and your windows, and even if you did weren’t worried that you’d wake up in the middle of the night to a rando searching through your panty drawer.  The string of robberies this year put an end to that illusion real quick.  At least you know only your most valuable possessions are the ones likely to be stolen, not your laptop or phone, no, but your $500 textbooks.

4.) You Need To Buy The Books:
On the subject of books, dear freshman, don’t waste your time.  Chances are even if the book is required you’ll never open it anyway, and it’ll instead sit on your desk collecting dust like the useless paperweight it is.  If you buy them for anything, just use it for decoration to convince your friends that you totally have your life together.  Otherwise, spend your money on better things.  Such as booze, pizza, or trying to bribe that upperclassman into giving you a chance.

3.) Your Relationship Will Totally Last:
Inevitably, someone in your group has to bring up that their boyfriend is still in high school or going to a different college, and they need some sort of reassurance that they’ll be able to make it work long distance.  Sorry kiddo, that’s most likely not the case.  We remember coming in feeling the same way, so determined to make our relationships work out… the honorary day of dumping your high school sweetheart is Thanksgiving, put it in your calendar.

2.) The Pathfinders Are Cool, And You Should Consider Becoming One:
Fake news.  No one cares about the pathfinders except on tours, and the fact that those tours get in our way once we’re students.  They seem weirdly cultish and more than a little hazy.  No thanks, we’ll pass this time.

1.) Finals Week Is No Big Deal:
Oh yeah, it’s stressful, they said.  But you definitely won’t be chugging down the rest of your Dining Dollars in Mountain Dew while you cram study for a class you’re going to fail anyway, and you’re definitely going to be able to find a place to sit on campus to study that isn’t on the ground.  And for sure, after you’re finished with your finals, you won’t be burning your notebooks and chugging down enough Lionshead that your body’s water content becomes beer content.  You won’t debate sacrificing your roommate to the Cathedral in order to get a passing grade.  Oh no, you’ll be fine.

Good luck with your finals and existential crises, Panthers!