We know you’re going to need them soon. The midterms are already scheduled and the quizzes already popping up. You may have even used one of these exquisite waste management assistants on a drunken walk home. But you and The Black Sheep? We’re trash. Not even non-recyclable, dirty, thirsty trash. So, why not pick a great place to throw yourself away around Pitt’s campus? We have the rundown of all the wonderful places to trash yourself because honestly, you deserve it.
On your way back home from South O after a long night of grinding it out in a sweaty basement, no Sorrento’s, no mate with you, where better to leave your dignity than less than 50 feet away from Five Guys, right next to the grease-hole that is The O Hot Dog shop? Your dignity will watch as many more freshmen and class-skippers forge of into South O, only to rest here too with you, ya piece of human garbage.
9.) William Pitt Union Trashcan:
Perfect for right after some OCC crap or a job fair when you know your future looks as bright as whatever that hobo just spit into that trashcan. So, don’t worry, you can simply dump all your hopes and dreams of six figures here. Go on, be an art history major.
8.) Oakland Digital Plaza Trashcan:
Ever walk by here and see the weird lights and noises and images? Doesn’t it make you feel kind of like some neon garbage that someone invested money to make this weird plaza light up and creep people out? Us too. So throw yourself away here so you can be right next to your best friend, abstract music, and your best friend who threw themselves away earlier at #9.
7.) Fifth and Bigelow 10A Trashcan:
Right before you get on the 10A or just as you walk back from class and its minus five degrees, snuggle up to some unwanted chem notes and 5o Starbucks cups and a banana peel in this little can of refuse. You’ll fit right in.
6.) Clapp, Langley, Crawford Trashcan:
This one is exclusively for the people failing biology in any of its difficult forms at Pitt. There are two others around it, just for good measure. Know that you just failed the first exam of Foundations of Biology 1 and rest easy next to all the notes thrown there because people dropped the class.
5.) Sorrento’s Trashcan:
This is also for you drunks out there after you’ve eaten one or two full pizzas yourself and you feel huge. No, you’ll fit next to all the cold, greasy boxes and oozing ranch. You always wanted to be covered in cheese.
4.) Holland Trashcan:
Right after you lose your virginity and feel like you failed everyone who believed in you, boy or girl, take a dive into this old makeup and contraception-filled cesspool. I’m sure your youth pastor won’t find your despair in there…
3.) Towers Trashcan:
A great place to hide from the cops. Plus, you can dump your roomie there too if they’re being annoying. Another great place to dump yourself if you can’t make it back to your room when boozed up from a wild night. Just make sure you can stand the scent of hookah which is always on the patio no matter what weather.
2.) Cathy Trashcan:
Why not just throw yourself away and look like the filthiest person imaginable next to Cathy? At least you can make her look good. Plus, after you hand in that humanities essay you either wrote way too quickly or worked for 4 combined days on, your brain, which is now scrambled eggs, will make great fertilizer here.
1.) 10A Trashcan:
This is for the trashiest of trash. It may be a tight squeeze, but if you can get in before some hapless freshman or some leftover nacho cheese from Qdoba or French fries from McDonalds, you have a moving view of all the best places on campus and can visit all your other trashy friends.
There’s all our recommendations for becoming a regular Sesame St turns South O/Pitt Oscar the grouch. And the best part? No room and board in the can, plus free food!
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