October, when midterms are upon us and Club Hillman turns from a deserted island to Times Square. Not only will you struggle to find a seat, but god forbid you need to charge any electronic device of yours. Finding an outlet in Hillman during midterm season is about as easy as convincing that hot TA of yours to go home with you and maybe tweak your grade up just a few points, or a few letter grades. But just in case you’re really set on getting one of those prime seats, here are a few ways to land yourself right next to your laptop’s fountain of youth.
8.) Offer up a 12-pack of Natty Light:
You’ll probably have the best luck if you use this one with some frat bro or srat star who would prefer to be smashed anyway. Just pass off the 12-pack you snuck in from the O and those sweet, sweet three prongs are all yours.
7.) Slowly coax them away from the outlet with a Dunkin’ coffee:
Anyone who’s near an outlet guards that thing like a newborn baby. The only thing these mother hens are weak to are their lifeblood–caffeine. Dangle the pumpkin cold brew in front of them and back up one step at a time until they’ve abandoned their seat, then throw it and go claim your throne.
6.) Convince them Cathy is flooding… again:
If they missed it the first time, they sure won’t want to miss it again. They’ll flee to see the ancient elements attempt to destroy Cathy yet again, and you’ll be all free to charge your phone as you so please.
5.) Put their name in the Death Note:
Assuming, of course, that you have one of those. Hey, midterms are cutthroat, people.
4.) Tell them you have an in with the Pitt Druids, and if they give up their seat you’ll get them in:
No one can resist the lure of the Druids. Just convince your new friend that you have a friend of a friend. Maybe you’re a recruiter. Just make sure to look super mysterious.
3.) Tell them the outlet they’re using was once used by Chaz:
With all the controversy, they’ll be sure to stay away. Unless they’re one of those real conservative types, so be sure to check for Trump stickers.
2.) Gently move them while they’re asleep:
The nicest option on this list. Just gently move them to a non-outlet table while they’re sleeping in a desperate attempt to snipe their prime outlet spot. They might be mad when they wake up though. Oh well.
1.) Sit behind them and monotonously read the dictionary:
Just slowly wear them down. Start from the beginning and just keep going until they get so frustrated they have to give up their spot. Or call security. It’s a hit or miss.
Study spots in Hillman with direct outlet access are prime real estate. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and you might be surprised by the lengths a sleep-deprived Pitt student on 1% battery will go to in order to recharge.