7 Ways to Lock Down a Warm Body for Pitt Cuffing Season This Fall

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

Body heat is cheap if you can find it, but it’s oh so lonely without it, especially when it’s getting colder. And who wants the old summer piña colada when someone could be your pumpkin spice? But this isn’t easy, it’s getting harder and harder to leggings and chill. So here are a few ways to entice that Uggs-wearing or flannel-chillin’ significant other of your dreams.

7.) Make them pumpkin spice cookies while they fake-study in Hillman:
Who doesn’t like a much-needed distraction in Hillman when they’re just trying to be very basic? Nobody, that’s who. So just whip up a quick batch and find the would-be studier on the bottom floor of Hillman; sad, alone, and ready to go behind the racks and get pumpkin-spicy.

6.) Make them Panther Bombs:
The Red Bull and blue Curacao just says love at first sight. Or maybe just, “Hey, lets fool around while jacked on Red Bull.” Either way, you’ll be warm. Plus you’ll have… “wiiiiings” to do more than just Netflix and chill. You’ll be Netflix and running up Cardiac Hill.

5.) Write them a poem:
Your hair is pretty / Come over to my house please / Refrigerator

Just an example of a nice haiku you could write for your thottie or meme lord. Just make sure you get the syllables right ya dig? If you don’t have hot bars, this isn’t for you.

4. Send them memes:
Yeah, nobody likes body heat or Netflix and chill more than memes. Memes trump everything honestly (trigger war… oh get over it). Just stay away from the really savage dank ones until later on, but please no Harambe or Pepe. That was so 5 seconds ago. Make it easily understandable, unlike the deep irony of this meme.

3.) Buy them flannel or Uggs or both:
Who doesn’t want to look good for their stereotypical pic in a pumpkin patch? Better yet, take them to a pumpkin patch and buy them a pumpkin. Make sure you get it all on the ‘gram too so everyone can reply with some dumb emojis.

2.) Join the Cathy Club with them:
Nothing better than when you’re bent over a desk frantically trying to relive a myth people usually only joke about. It’s not a real club but man, will you have a story to tell people. Do some quick work and maybe you won’t get caught and have a nice rest of the fall, if not, good luck with the court case.

1.) Turn them into a pumpkin:
Or just find a pumpkin and cuddle it. This whole list is mostly about pumpkins. So yeah, finding someone who likes you is hard so just go get a pumpkin and hug it until you become one, then you don’t have to worry about human stuff. Just plant stuff.

The moral of the story is just do things pumpkin, eat pumpkins, bake them, smash them, and just become one. You’re sure to find a significant other that way. Good luck kid.