The test slaps down in front of you. You read the first page. Nothing. The second? Nothing. You are on the back page and realize, they have bamboozled you again. Inevitably, we’re all knee deep in “B or D,” “All of the above but B,” “Part of A but mostly B,” “Choices A-F discluding E.” Yeah, knowing the content is what should be tested, not the ridiculous composite answer logic reasoning to screw up the prepared student. To give a royal middle-fingered salute to some of these tricky questions, here are some Pitt-themed test question configurations you’ll see on your midterms:
6.) Which building is the most beautiful on campus and why?:
B. The most beautiful woman on campus is also the most beautiful building
C. Don’t ask why, use your eyes son!
D. A, B, and C
E. A, C, and D
F. D and E ONLY
5.) Which Pitt sport loses more?:
A. Women’s Basketball
B. Basketball, but who knows this season amirite?
C. Men’s Soccer
D. Women’s Tennis
E. Who goes to C, D, and A?
F. We have a women’s tennis team?
H. E, F, and none other of the above, Pitt Football will always out-lose everyone.
G. E and F
4.) What will you do to study for your biology exam in Clapp in 2 hours?:
A. Read concise and well-made study guides you made last night
B. You’re a moron, obviously not A
C. Eat a long breakfast at the perch and drown in powder-scramble eggs
D. Try to cheat
E. Spend two hours calculating if you could still pass if you just did not go and got a 0 and went back to bed.
F. All of the above
3.) Whose man is Ben DiNucci?:
A. Mine, thank you
B. Not mine, he also sucks, they all suck, and can anyone play quarterback, please God?
C. Not mine, bring on Pickett, even though his last name is Pickett
D. All of the above
2.) Is Chancellor Gallagher a lizard-person?:
B. Look at the evidence, are you blind?
C. Why is Cathy covered in scales and droppings?
D. All of the above
1.) Which DNA strand correctly matches the coding sequence written sloppily on the board by an incompetent bio TA in some weird Langley room?:
D. DNA is a lie, vaccines cause autism
E. None of the above
The grades are in, you did terribly, as we all do. Tests suck, Pitt is hard, but at least we aren’t spoon-fed by idiots like at Penn State.