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What Underclassmen Think Happens in Pitt Bars

The bar is sort of like the Playboy Mansion (R.I.P Hef) of underage drinkers–elite, elusive, and sophisticated houses of unbridled debauchery. There are several high-profile Pitt bars that upperclassmen frequent. What goes on behind their closed doors is entirely left up to the underclassmen’s imaginations. Here are some common assumptions that Pitt underclassmen have about the local bars. Seasoned over-21 drinkers are welcome to confirm, or simply leave it a mystery until those crazy kids come of age.

4.) Hemingway’s Café:
Hem’s is the closest bar to Towers, and therefore is closest to the hordes of freshmen wondering what goes on in there. From the outside, it seems like the pinnacle of sophistication. Most underclassmen assume that inside, gentlemen in tuxedos sip aged whiskey from those famous “shot pitchers” while women in large hats smoke 4-foot long cigarettes. A haze of secondhand tobacco settles upon the dapper crowd, most of whom are discussing politics or their investment portfolios. The chancellor probably stops by nightly, gracing the crowd by singing some of Sinatra’s greatest hits, Scotch-on-the-rocks still in hand.

3.) Peter’s Pub:
Underclassmen who are a bit more daring ponder what goes on at Peter’s, the wild alternative to the reserved atmosphere of Hem’s. According to their folklore, anything goes at Peter’s, though underclassmen are a bit fuzzy on the details. Reports that older kids “snort weed” while getting “completely fingerblasted” are uncorroborated, and frankly don’t make any sense. Other rumors include the appearance of live nude fire dancers, and frat bros shoving whiskey-soaked sponges up their asses to get drunk faster.

2.) Garage Door:
Most underclassmen know that Garage Door goes by “G-Door,” but out of context, they have no idea what the “G” stands for. The logical assumption is that it alludes to the mysterious “G-Spot,” meaning that the bar must fulfill sexual desires in addition to serving alcohol. Clever naming, indeed. It also explains the selective, hipster vibe that the bar gives off. Underclassmen walking on Atwood often look to G-Door with longing, wondering what kind of sexy shenanigans go on among the drunken seniors inside.

1.) Hofbrauhaus:
Underclassmen assume that entering Hofbrauhaus is akin to visiting Munich. Upon entering, women with braids and poofy skirts greet you as they double-fist mugs of beer. Wait, that’s the St. Pauli Girl logo… you know, the one from The Office, that Michael has as a neon sign? Whatever, it’s still probably what happens. Everyone is eating bread, red meat, schnitzel and other stereotypical cuisine. The amount of alcohol consumption is enough to kill each patron 3 times over, but you know those Germans, they have cast iron stomachs. This is the place that uber-mature upperclassmen and grad students go to when they want to get out of Oakland.

These are just a few popular bars near Pitt that underclassmen wonder about. Their assumptions, though perhaps not rooted in fact, offer a glimpse into the innocent minds of students under 21. Eventually, they’ll come of age and realize that bars aren’t as magical as they think, but for their sake, let’s keep the mystery alive.

 

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