Pitt Bagpiper Continues to Mourn Father’s Recent Loss to Mayweather
Every morning, afternoon, and night, students of Pitt can hear his whining, incessant drone from high up on Cardiac Hill. The Pitt Bagpiper. He plays all he can, between classes, on dates, before working out, whenever he can annoy people most. He has been playing a dirge lately, in honor of who he believes is his father.
“I was heartbroken when Dad lost to Mayweather this weekend, it was the worst. I spent all my potato farming money on the pay per view and now I regret it. Mom’s gonna be mad,” bemoaned Kent McCleary, The Pitt Bagpiper.
The Pitt piper claims he’s the long lost son of Conor McGregor. The illegitimacy of the boy’s conception must have occurred during a US tour from the Irish MMA fighter’s earlier career.
McClearly theorized in our interview, “I don’t know, my mom never really talked to me about who my father is. I just have this hunch about McGregor though. Not having a father around while growing up is what turned me to bagpiping in the first place.”
Kent told us he feels that bagpiping, while loud, and annoying, and very unwelcome to anyone in a dorm trying to sleep on upper campus anywhere, is his way of making everyone else feel the pain with him.
“I just want people to feel my pain…with their ears. It’s not my fault if they bleed, just think of my heart when McGregor, my own father, lost last Saturday night.”
In an exclusive interview with Conor McGregor, The Black Sheep asked about his long lost son. Conor’s response was concerning.
“Who’s this kid? The little runt doesn’t even understand I’m Irish, and bagpipes are Scottish! I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’d knock him into a new year if I ever saw the lad, just like I did Floyd. You guys watch the fight this weekend back in South O?”
McGregor continued on his way, leaving his son behind yet again to the eerie, screeching sadness produced by him and his bagpipe. Until he has fully mourned his father’s loss, Kent will continue to pipe his bag, meaning not a soul on upper campus will sleep peacefully tonight.