Still wearing last night’s clothes? Still have bedhead, morning breath, and smell like ball sweat and McCormick’s? We’ve all been there – it’s just a matter of getting home with whatever sliver of pride you have left. The Black Sheep has mapped out a series of convenient routes you can take to make your walk of shame bearable.
Route A (Red):
Waking up in one of the fraternities on campus is almost never a good thing; waking up in one of the fraternities on campus that’s situated as far from every other residential building as possible is maybe the worst thing. We’ve given you a route that not only avoids the busy roads, but makes a quick stop at McDonald’s so that you can walk home sporting your jersey with as much dignity as possible.
Route B (Orange):
For some reason, Owen is where everything fun happens – over half the students assigned to attend “Choices” for drinking in their dorm were caught by some boner RA in Owen. But, if you find yourself there the morning after, your best bet to avoid human contact would be to cut behind the CoRec and between other res halls until you find your dorm.
Route C (Yellow):
If you’re coming from some sketchy house or apartment party near Chauncey, you might as well parade yourself down State Street for the sake of some hangover food. After a quick pit stop at Mad Mush (or Von’s, or Taco Bell, or wherever you’d like to go, really), the most discreet route requires cutting through the academic buildings, since no one hangs out there on the weekends anyway.
Route D (Green):
If you’re coming from Hilltop, we’ve devised a route that pretty much shields you from all prying eyes until you hit the bottom of Slayter; then, the goal is to cut behind the CoRec and hope that people think you’re wearing those baggy clothes because you’re working out – not because they belong to the dude you banged the night before in an intoxicated frenzy.
Route E (Cyan):
If you were feelin’ freaky the night before and decided to bang in Hicks, you’re lucky for a couple of reasons. Not only can you walk out of the building and play it off like you fell asleep studying (because you’re that dedicated), but you can also cut through the academic buildings – which, as previously mentioned, are pretty much a ghost town on weekends.
Route F (Blue):
We tried to cover all of our bases here, so this one’s a little different; if you decided to get it on in the end zone at Ross-Ade (really? A football stadium?), your most dignified option would be to cut between Ford and Owen, and then shuffle your way through the parking lot between Tark, Wiley, and all those fraternity and sorority buildings.
Route G (Magenta):
Maybe you just couldn’t find anywhere else to go, so you put the backseat of your car down and did a quickie in the McCutcheon Parking Garage – we’re not judging. But, if that’s you, throw some clothes on, walk down 3rd until you get to the CoRec, then cut behind the CoRec and turn toward Wiley so you can stop and grab a cookie before you change out of last night’s clothes. Not discreet, but definitely delicious.
Route H (Purple):
If you did it in the construction zone on State Street as a literal “screw you” to all of the blockades on campus, all we have to say is props, and that we wish we’d thought of it first.
Route I (Grey):
If you got it on in Meredith Hall, we’ve sent you down the main road to Starbucks. Why the main road, you ask? Because if you actually managed to have sex in a room the size of a refrigerator box with no air conditioning, you deserve to strut your stuff – and you also deserve a warm cup of coffee. Treat yo’self.
Route J (Black):
If, for some reason, you decided to use the lights in the Engineering Fountain as a romantic ambiance to your amateur humping endeavors (ballsy, very ballsy), we’d recommend first cutting behind Physics and stopping at McDonald’s, then turning right back around and cutting through the Engineering Mall until you arrive home.