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10 Things Purdue Students Should Really Be Tested On

Finals week is almost upon us, and after forgetting half of what we learned this semester, we’re barely making it through dead week. Here are 10 things every Boilermaker wishes he could replace his calculus exam.


10.) The Ol’ Puke and Rally:

It’s all fun and games until the Windsor burrito you had for dinner makes a second appearance. Dedicated Purdue students know that when this happens, the best thing to do is to eat some bread, chug some water, and get back in the game.


9.) D’s Get Degrees: 

Nothing says dedication like coming home after a night out drinking to do the AgEcon homework that’s due before your 8:30 the next morning. The room might be spinning, and you might not be entirely coherent, but you got it done with a satisfyingly adequate 75%.


8.) Saving Dat Money: 

This Lil Dicky song embodies the life of a Boilermaker who’s running low on Dining Dollars and pride. Because you’re broke as shit, you’re always looking for ways to “Save Dat Money,” whether it be free donuts from clubs that you have no intention of joining or stress balls from the RA that you haven’t said a word to this entire semester. 


7.) The On-The-Go Scramble:

Just when you thought the lines at Ford were long, you step into On-The-Go at Earhart or Windsor and smell the stench of competition in the air as students compete to grab the last of the gummy worms. You whip out a cardboard box of your own and shove as much shit in it as you can just to survive the weekend – it’s a talent, really.


6.) Testing Your Luck:

Did you spend dead week watching Netflix? If so, you’ll probably be joining every other procrastinator on campus at the Lion’s Head Fountain to drink like you did last weekend. Or, if you already know you’re screwed, you might as well take a walk under the Bell Tower. Your grades might be tanking, but at least you can get a kick out of the people around you staring in horror as you throw your chances at graduation to the wind.


5.) The Dine and Stash: 

You can’t dine and dash at Purdue’s dining courts, considering you swipe for your meal before you walk in, but there’s no harm in getting your money’s worth. If Boilermakers had a final over how many containers of food they could smuggle out of Wiley in one swipe, everyone would get an A.


4.) Mixology: 

Getting hammered is fun, but being a bartender at the same time is so much better. And, every Boilermaker can agree that making some bomb-ass jungle juice is a whole lot easier than taking that English 106 final. We’ve all mixed our own drinks once or twice, but knowing your favorite Den Pop mixture by heart can make a world of a difference.


3.) Being Anti-Early Birds: 

No one wants to wake up at 6 a.m. on a Friday after Thirsty Thursday the night before. But, thanks to the Boilermaker Special, you don’t even need an alarm clock for that unfortunate wake-up call. Luckily, Boilermakers who live in res halls without air conditioning have had some practice blocking out all that noise. They know that cranking up all 27 fans in their rooms to full blast is a surefire way to ensure a peaceful slumber.  


2.) Hello Walk Etiquette:

The only time you’ll see polite people on the Hello Walk is when campus events are being held, and even then, people are really only nice because they have to be. Any other day of the week, if you walk down the Hello Walk and actually say hi, people look at you like you just hit their dog. Boilermakers have mastered the “head down, straight face” strategy that it takes to conquer the Hello Walk.  


1.) Un-Mathing:

Math is complicated, but Purdue math sets you up to fail. Students here know that the only way to guarantee a passing grade in a Purdue math class is to simply not take one. But, if there was a final over how not to math, everyone on campus would get an easy A – especially our friends, the communications majors.


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