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5 Things Boilermakers Would Bring on the Mayflower

It’s almost Thanksgiving, Boilers! It’s hard to imagine a Boilermaker settling on anything other than the moon, but we think that if Purdue were to collectively sail anywhere on a big-ass ship, they would bring only following essentials.

 

5.) Free Jake’s hot dogs and Harry’s popcorn:

Screw a cornucopia. True Boilermakers know there is no feast more bountiful than the free food offered at Chauncey Hill bars. The hot dogs might settle in a stomach full of booze more violently than that douchebag Christopher Columbus and his pioneers settled in the New World, but hey, drunk food knows no standards — especially when the food in question is free. The nutritional value doesn’t really matter, we’re all broke and desperate here.

 

4.) A f***king umbrella:

It seems trite, and maybe you’d think that only a dumbass could forget something so basic, but take a look around campus on a rainy day and you’ll notice that those who look the most pissed off are the ones missing one pretty important thing: an umbrella. And, in true Boilermaker fashion, the umbrellas brought to the New World would without a doubt be those free ones with the Granite bananas on them.

3.) Livers of steel:

All these years of using alcohol as a coping mechanism sure have paid off, because you haven’t seen anyone emerge from the depths of a bender like a Boilermaker, and that tradition comes straight from the OG pioneers. The Boiler settlers would have definitely been butt chugging whiskey on the boring ride over. Remember: you’re not an alcoholic until you’ve graduated.

 

2.) The severed heads of IU Hoosiers:

The rivalry had to start somewhere. Obviously, Boilers have always been greatly superior since the beginning of time, so you can imagine that Purdue has been literally killin’ Hoosier Losers forever. It only makes sense that we’d bring the bodies of our victims with us to flaunt, since Purdue gives way more shits about the IU-PU rivalry than Indiana does.

 

1.) A literal death wish:

Why else would somebody choose to go to Purdue? If a college student wanted an easy experience, they’d go to IU, obviously. John Purdue was one crazy motherf*cker, and whoever wanted his university to be composed of entirely brick obviously isn’t trying to create a happy environment. The devastating curriculum and workload are designed to kill, and Saturday final exams are proven to be deadlier than the Black Plague.

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