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5 Things that are Harder to Get than Haas’s Herpes

Alright, yeah, everyone just kind of assumed that Isaac Haas could pretty much sleep with any willing and able female on campus, but now it’s been confirmed, in the worst way. Here are 5 things that are actually harder to get than Herpes from our once-golden-boy Haas.

5.) Chlamydia, apparently:
Imagine the girl’s surprise when what she assumed was a curable little coochie virus turned out to be like, pretty much one of the worst case scenarios in the STD department. We wish it wasn’t the case, for her sake, but evidently Haas is giving out the ol’ itch n’ scratch more readily than he’s willing to part with The Clap.

4.) Free shit during ag week:
Grilled cheese sandwiches, pizza, milkshakes, you name it — the Ag kids are willing to give the fruits of their labor to the starving and deprived students of Purdue University for absolutely no money down. We didn’t ask for this, just like that girl probably didn’t ask our old pal Isaac to pretty much ruin her sex life for like, ever.

3.) A bug infestation in the Dirty Dith:
Res Life probably spends more trying to solve the constant stink bug problem in Meredith than they would bulldozing that mold-infested health hazard and constructing an entirely new building. And yet, it’s still harder for some stray creepy crawlies to make their way into Meredith than it is for an entirely different genre of creepy crawlies to make their way from Haas’s unwrapped schlong to that poor, unsuspecting girl.

2.) A 4.0 in elementary education:
A whole slew of finger-painting classes and children’s books later, and it’s still harder to ace some El Ed classes than it is to get the herps from the tallest guy on campus. Then again, we’d hope that it would be more difficult to become an integral part in shaping the future of our children than it would be to spread the fruit of one horny boy’s irresponsibility around campus – but what can we say, we’re frequently disappointed.

1.) A beer from a frat guy who’s just tryna nut:
Did you leave the house without shaving, with the “I will absolutely not have sex with a stranger tonight” mindset? Whether your hiatus from men stems from a bad breakup or just a general boredom with the male species, it’s still easy to talk any one of the boys at any given frat on a Saturday night into handing you beers on-call – even easier than getting an STD from one.

 

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