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6 Reasons You’re Going to Hell, According to Purdue’s Preachers

We’ve gotta admit, there’s something a little exciting about Purdue in the fall. The leaves are changing, the fountain looks like a stunning backdrop to some cliché 90’s college movie, and the campus preachers are back at it in full swing, warning unsuspecting freshmen girls that their yoga pants are a one-way-ticket to spending an eternity in Satan’s Inferno. Sure, you may have the basic gist of what goes on when the preachers are outside of WALC playing God, but have you heard all the obscure ways you could be headed to Hell according to their teachings?

6.) You are a Pokémon fan:
The bearded Jesus-looking preacher spent a solid ten minutes elaborating on this one. It was actually one of his less off-putting “sermons,” simply because it’s not actually that surprising. You can find a passage on it right in Genesis:

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth… But he did not create Pokémon fans. Satan made those. Please don’t blame God for that one.”

5.) You have a tattoo:
This only applies to people who have something non-Jesus related on their bodies. Huge portrait of his face on your calf? Perfectly fine. But, as for the rest of you, consider yourselves screwed. Basic Blink 182 or Nirvana tats are minus 3 God points. Minus 100 if you’ve got a tattoo of any anime character or anything that could even remotely be mistaken for one. God forbid.

No, literally. God forbids it.

4.) You stood opposite a preacher holding an “Eat Ass For Salvation” sign:
The preachers seemed confused as to whether this girl intended to create her sign to get a reaction or if she was serious, but either way they were outraged. Not only will eating ass result in separation from God, but it will also leave an awful taste in your mouth (not that we would know from experience or anything.)

3.) You used the preacher’s anti-gay spiel as a platform to perform a homoerotic act in front of a large crowd:
While this occurrence is one that hasn’t been witnessed since the notorious series of girl-on-girl Engineering Fountain make-outs in 2015, we can’t help but appreciate that this happened. No matter how vicious the preachers’ requests for immediate damnation may have been, at least the Devil will respect that these girls were ballsy when he meets them at the gates of the Underworld.

2.) You’re showing too much skin outside of the shower (where you should be wearing at least a swimsuit, according to the Old Testament):
As we reflect upon this one, we’d like to reminisce on a stand-off between “Jesus” and another man we couldn’t possibly describe better than “Reggae Tarzan.”

After Jesus challenged his adversary Reggae Tarzan with the words “real men are modest,” we can both appreciate and understand Tarzan’s impulse to rip off his shirt and flex his pecs. The fact that Reggae Tarzan spent the next hour standing half-naked on a table near the Bell Tower shows some real initiative, even if that was something that neither God nor anyone else wanted to see.

1.) You watch football:
According to our campus preacher, real men do not watch football. He never quite clarified why, but it’s safe to assume his standard for “real men” is directly correlated with his own behaviors – in other words, he doesn’t watch football, so neither should you. We can’t blame him though. God hates football. Especially Purdue football. Historically speaking, this is why we’ve never been good.

Thankfully, he’s letting up on the football team a bit this year. He’s got bigger fish to fry, like the GPAs of freshmen who wrongfully thought they were graduating with engineering degrees.

So, as we reflect on some of the most priceless preacher moments that very nearly converted every passing student on campus, we close with one of our favorite Bible verses:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever does not play Pokémon, wear yoga pants, watch sports, have tattoos, disagree with radical Baptists, or eat ass, shall never perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).

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