Whether you’re parking your Bitmoji in WALC for a stress-filled and coffee-fueled night of hardcore cramming, or you’re passed out in the bathroom of Harry’s while your friends wander Chauncey in search of you, Snap Maps has got you covered. But have you ever thought about the consequences of allowing your Bitmoji to show the world your questionable life decisions? Here are some people you probably don’t want to see together at 3 a.m. on Snap Maps in West Lafayette.
6.) Purdue Pete and Your Dear Sweet Mother, Under The Bleachers At Ross-Ade:
Why? Because chances are, the frat boy under that Purdue Pete mask is a sweet talkin’ 6 out of 10, at minimum — definitely hotter than your dad with roughly the same bod. With the glamour and mystery that surrounds the Purdue Pete legacy, how could your mom resist a trip to pound town? Try to eliminate that mental image from your head while we continue.
5.) Your Best Friend and Your Freshman Roommate at Famous Frank’s:
Can’t nobody resist a wiener from good ol’ Frank. Imagine your freshman roommate in Meredeath, the same guy who left his shit-stained underwear hanging on your bed frame and who “accidentally” pissed in your laundry basket after a night out, giving your best friend a wiener of his own after the perfect foreplay that is a drunk meal at Famous Frank’s. No amount of showering could wash away the stench of a one-night stand with a guy like that.
4.) Mitch Daniels and the CEO of Messer Construction Co., at Greyhouse:
PLEASE GOD NO. The next time we have to run, backpack flapping against our asses and sweat building on our brow, to catch up to a bus that had to change its pickup location after another yahoo with a hard hat decided to take a sledgehammer to State Street, we’re gonna have a breakdown. The fact that our man Mitch is enjoying a casual caffeinated beverage with the CEO of our LITERAL WORST ENEMY and is probably plotting to RUIN OUR LIVES AGAIN makes us want to hurl. We get it — Purdue is all about improvement. Chill with the construction.
3.) You and the Guy with the Washboard Abs at the CoRec:
Seriously? The ONLY time you see this guy at the gym is when you’re rockin’ the greasy, half-curled hair from last night’s Cactus adventures, the morning breath you forgot to take care of because of your pounding headache and frequent waves of nausea, and the belly pooch that’s infinitely more visible in the shirt that you always forget not to wear. Realistically, a guy who looks that good can’t possibly have a shining personality, but his pecs are bigger than your face and he has the calves of an Olympic athlete, so you want to keep your options open.
2.) Darrell Hazell, Literally Anywhere on Campus:
We mean, the dude would have to have balls the size of elephants if he decided to show his face anywhere near campus ever again. But seriously, man — stay away from our homie Brohm and stay away from Ross-Ade. No Purdue tailgater likes a guy with a losing streak, and we can’t drink to touchdowns if we never score any.
1.) WALC Preacher Guy and the “Eat Ass For Salvation” Counter-Protestor at 308 On State:
You’re just tryin’ to have a good time, maybe hit up the cutie across the bar who bought you that Jägerbomb last week, but this bearded dude is standing on top of the bar slapping people with his pocket bible and yelling at the girl who’s drunk-grinding on a barstool that she’s going to be immersed in the fiery flames of hell for putting her ass cheeks on inanimate objects. Then, standing calmly next to him, is the newest addition to the WALC parade, holding her cardboard “eat ass for salvation” sign in silent protest — it’s just too much confrontation for your Thirsty Thursday.