As if you needed another reason to love Purdue, the Boilermakers took back the Oaken Bucket on Saturday with a sweet, sweet win against IU. Here’s a drunk recap of the most important aspects of the most important game of the year, if you missed it.
Number of seasons coached: 1
Number of bowl games clinched: 1
Number of first-born children we’d give him: How many does he want?
How much we love him, on a scale of 1 to More Than Our Own Mothers: Sorry, mom.
How much we want Darrell Hazell back: Not today, Satan.
Grade: All the gold stars.
Passing accuracy: We’re 7 beers deep, 25 pounds overweight, and ready for a nap, but we could probably throw with more gusto than this guy.
Throwing power: Seriously, was that someone’s senile grandmother running around out there?
Probability that he peaked in high school: 112%
Amount of money we have: $3.12
Amount of money we would’ve spent to boot this guy off the field: $3.12 – is paying rent really that important?
Grade: Considering he delivered the game to us in an elaborately-decorated gift basket, A+.
Number of plays it took us to score our first touchdown: 2
Number of rushing yards Markell Jones had: Less than the number of times we’ve stress-cried this year, but more than 215, so still impressive.
People that can defend a pass to Anthony Mahoungou: Apparently, no one.
Number of offensive players on the team: Like, 58 or so.
Number of offensive players we’d probably victory-bang: Like, 58 or so.
Number of times they choked 4 yards from the end zone: Lol, one too many.
The longest period of time they went without scoring a single touchdown: Over 45 minutes.
How drunk they looked on the field: We get it, you’re a party school.
Number of offensive players on the team: Like, 52 or so.
Number of offensive players we’d probably pity-bang: Look, if we wanted to experience a trash hookup we’d just get really drunk and watch Twilight.
Grade: Did you guys even try?
Intelligence: Half of us are drunkenly calculating the parabolic trajectory of the football as we speak.
Spirit: We marched our happy asses to the field on our Thanksgiving break, full of turkey and mashed potatoes and one too many mouth-kisses from elderly relatives, and we filled that student section to the brim with screaming, drunk college students. 12/10 proud to be a Boilermaker.
Number of times we rushed the field to retake the Bucket: 1
Number of times we’ll be approached by an IU student who makes sure to insert the phrase, “I’m in the Kelly School of Business,” into every aspect of every conversation, as if that makes up for their shitty football team: We don’t even wanna talk about it.
Intelligence: Do peanuts have brains?
Spirit: We were expecting a crowd, not an old guy with an IU shirt on, sitting in the corner drinking glue out of an old beer can and giggling to himself.
Number of times they rushed the field to retake the Bucket: 0
Number of times they’ll try to remind us that they’ve won the Bucket the last four years: The same number of times we’ll remind them that we’ve won the Bucket 32 more times.
Number of beers they’ll need to drink to forget this day: All the beers.
Grade: A huge pile of dog shit.
The Old Oaken Bucket Game, Overall:
Number of beers consumed: Things started getting blurry an hour ago.
Final Score: 31-24, Purdue.
Purdue’s Rushing Yards: More than double IU’s.
How great it was to see Purdue finally pull off a Bucket: Priceless.