Purdue freshman, Timothy Ames, left Windsor Hall at approximately 6:43 p.m. Tuesday, leaving Hansel and Grettle-esque trails of forks behind him, to ensure he’d be able to find his way back.
Witnesses described his saunter as “confident,” “casual,” and “what an idiot.”
“His first mistake was grabbing 14 already used stainless steel spoons on his way out,” recounts cafeteria worker Andy Law. “Every step he took sounded like a broken washing machine full of pennies, the kid never had a chance.”
When asked for a comment on his heroism, Law sarcastically told our reporters that it was “just another day in the luxurious life of a food service worker. Serving cold potatoes and tattling on my peers.”
Ames was taken to the Dean of Students where Purdue authorities prodded him for specifics, however, he refused to speak without the presence of a lawyer.
“When we asked him just what the fuck he was thinking, Tim wouldn’t fork over any further information. You could cut the silence in that room with a knife,” said Windsor cafeteria’s head chef, Mark Collins.
“Honestly, I’m just trying to make sure I can find my way back here tomorrow,” Ames said, more forks falling out of his bag. “Plus, how the fuck am I supposed to eat my Easy Mac if I have no forks? My hands? MY HANDS?!”
Ames is currently on probation for violating Purdue’s Honor Code, meanwhile the 1,100 other students who are doing the same thing are enjoying their Easy Mac in the comfort of their dorms.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.