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Hoverboards at Purdue: A Short Memoir

 

You know you’ve seen them. Hoverboards at Purdue made their debut on campus last semester, and were quickly banned by the university from our prestigious sidewalks. Maybe university officials were worried about people getting hurt? As if that doesn’t happen every single day when a cyclist bikes on a sidewalk or a pedestrian walks in a bike lane. But NO–Purdue draws the line at hoverboards. And for good reason…

 

It’s funny enough when you see a frat-douche on his longboard eat it when he tries to swerve around a squirrel. And no one around is willing to help the poor guy. We simply laugh and go about our day. And much like a positive-sloping function, the higher the douche-rating, the funnier the fall. And hoverboards have broken the scale. Purdue officials may be worried that the increase in injuries from hoverboard accidents may cause all students to become cynical practicers of Schadenfreude. The German department might not be too happy about that.

 

It’s also possible that hoverboards at Purdue were banned because they just aren’t right for our campus. The winter months at Purdue always bring an unpleasant mix of high piles of snow that progress into giant piles of slush. And it stays that way until graduation. Riding around on a hoverboard in January is just nonsensical, so Purdue completely removed the option from the table. If you want to get to class, you’ve got to stuff the Sloop like a can of sardines like everyone else! And chances are that a hoverboard driving through the snow would still catch on fire.

 

Perhaps the most astonishing question is how these students are even able to afford a hoverboard. Don’t you have books to buy?! Wouldn’t it make so much more sense to invest that money in a decent pair of snow boots? Or even a snow plow? What could possibly make a person think, “Yeah, this is totally the perfect way to get around!” and then click “Proceed to checkout” on Amazon. We get it, the new Amazon store opened in the Union and you were super-stoked to try it out, but buy something more sensible! All of the hoverboard owners probably feel like fools now that they can only use them in their apartments.

 

Hoverboards at Purdue may have been the fastest trend to come and go. Even planking experienced a longer run, and people were actually falling off of shit from very tall heights. Who would have expected a school so prominent in science and technology to put such a screeching halt on an invention that has brought us one step closer to the future predicted in Wall-E? Maybe when hoverboards stop EXPLODING, Purdue will welcome them once more to our esteemed campus. But for now, you can tuck them away in a fire-proof box that you’ve tossed into the Wabash River because there is literally no reason for you to own one. What the hell were you thinking?

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