In recent years, Purdue University has struggled to accommodate the growing number of students attending the school. Despite the addition of new buildings on campus, the student body is simply outgrowing the school, calling for drastic measures.
“This fall, a record-breaking 7,500 freshmen accepted their offers to attend the university. We’ve gotta make adjustments somewhere along the line, and considering we weren’t allowed to tear down the daycares, the bars are gonna be the first to go,” announces University President Mitch Daniels.
As of August 13th, 2018 all Purdue bars will be a thing of the past.
“If these students wanted to party, they should have gone to IU. If this deters students from applying to Purdue in the future, then so be it. We’d rather fill the university with students who are here for the right reasons,” declared Daniels smugly.
Despite receiving scrutiny from students and local bar owners, Daniels remains unshaken on his decision.
“Sure, we tear down that historic church in Chauncey and no one bats an eye, but the second we touch the bars students have aneurisms. Seriously, get your priorities straight, guys.”
While Daniels couldn’t care less, students have been having less enthusiastic reactions.
“This is ridiculous!” wailed junior, Eric Chan, who turns 21 on the 14th of next August. “I’ve gone all four years without partying! I thought it was my turn!” he screamed, holding a knife to President Daniel’s freshly-deflated tires.
Even some professors are not taking the news well.
“I have to put up with 300 piece-of-shit students every day of the week,” slurs physics professor, Linda Turk, 51, holding a paper bag filled with a bottled substance one can safely assume is not water. “I used to drink away my problems at the bar. Where am I supposed to go now? The frats?!”
“It’s a shame students are disappointed, but it’s not my job to guarantee them a place to party,” commented Daniels, suppressing a malicious smirk.
As plans are completed to demolish every last trace of student fun at Purdue University, Daniels has been seen standing from his on-campus office rubbing his hands together and evil laughing like a cliché Disney movie villian