As students around Purdue’s campus look forward to the alcohol binge that is bound to come from this week’s annual Grand Prix, eager-to-fit-in freshman Zach Titmonger is making a revolutionary breakthrough in the art of boobie beer drinking.
“I’ve never actually seen a boob before, but I bet Neil Armstrong saw his fair share of titties, and all that nerd did was land on the moon. Imagine how much ass I’d get if I was the sole proprietor of a 28-person boob luge? Freakin’ groundbreaking,” Titmonger brags.
Titmonger plans to use his knowledge of physics and calculus to derive optimal beer-drinking angles and preferred cup sizes for participants in the luge.
Says Titmonger, “Yeah, okay, I failed physics. And calculus. But I’m a Purdue engineer – the only people on campus who are maybe smarter than me are those Honors kids, but literally all they do in their free time is prove theorems and shit. That stupid interactive floor can’t hold a candle to this sick luge. It’ll be the resume-builder of the century.”
Despite Titmonger’s enthusiasm, students around campus who have heard rumors of his plans remain skeptical.
“Dude literally has the social capacity of a goldfish,” says self-proclaimed frat star Jack “Natty” Myer. “I think he expects to get laid for this or something, but girls don’t actually like being asked to whip their tits out for a quick luge. Especially, like, randomly walking to class. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
Titmonger’s stay at home this Easter weekend marked the beginning of his design process. His mother expressed her concern for his well-being.
“He wouldn’t tell me what he was doing, but he kept pulling his nipples together and pouring his dad’s beer down his chest, whispering, ‘Who’s a nerd now?’ When I called him in for dinner, he just yelled, ‘Mom, I swear to God, if you want grandchildren you’ll stay out of it.’ He had this look in his eye I’ve never seen before. We’re all getting a little worried.”
Rumors of other Grand Prix drinking apparatuses, including filling the Engineering Fountain with beer and building a conveniently placed bottle opener into the Neil Armstrong statue, have circulated as well. Whatever Purdue student’s plans may be this week, Boilermakers around campus wait in anticipation as the best week of the year begins.