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Purdue Students Struggle to Cope With The Loss of PAL 3.0

When PAL 3.0 crashed – and stayed crashed for days – the possibility of extended homework deadlines blossomed in student’s minds. And yet, while the printers in every academic building shut down and things started literally catching on fire, it seemed as if nothing could stop the grueling nature of Purdue academics.

Freshman Carly Morgan weighed in, with tears in her eyes.

“The whole campus is in freakin’ turmoil because no one can submit any of their online homework or look at the nudes on their Google Drive mid-lecture, and none of the professors care, and yesterday I just started stress-vomiting in physics and some girl spontaneously combusted in WALC and I’ve never wanted to drop out and become a stripper more than I do now.”

Professors seem to have absolutely no sympathy for the technological shutdown, and many are using the opportunity to teach students about the dangers of technology. One math professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, gave The Black Sheep the inside scoop.

“You think I haven’t seen Black Mirror? Shit’s serious, these kids need to learn a thing or two about becoming full-functioning adults without their hands stapled to their touch screens. Plus, it’s not like I give a shit what they get in my class, I have tenure. Try texting while I’m teaching now, you ungrateful assholes!”

President Daniels recognizes the severity of the situation, and even seems to assume some of the responsibility for the campus-wide panic that has ensued.

“Listen, in all actuality, we created a campus-wide WI-FI network and named it PAL as a symbolic replacement for all the “pals” – ya know, real, human friends – that the engineers miss out on making while they’re holed up in their rooms studying for 27 hours a day.” Daniels admits. “Now that their one source of brief entertainment is gone, we’ve stripped them of the only ray of hope they had left here in West Lafayette. We get it – it’s bad.”

An e-mail recently sent out to the entire student body claims “96% connectivity,” as if the ITAP team has fixed the issue. Yet, students continue to have widespread problems, leaving everyone wondering if the e-mail was a sham. CAPS advises students to seek grief counseling if necessary during these difficult times.

 The Black Sheep wish you the best of luck in keeping your rapidly-sinking GPA’s afloat.

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