Whether you’re graduating into a fully functioning adult, or you’re returning to Purdue for yet another year with the Black and Gold, here are a few things you should probably do before you head back home.
5.) Frolic Under the Bell Tower:
Note: This is only if it’s truly your last night on campus – like, ever. In other words, we only recommend playing the Bell Tower’s odds if you’re a senior whose only obstacle to graduation would be the incredibly unlikely possibility of death by spontaneous combustion. We’re not saying we believe in old superstitions, but we also don’t want to be held responsible if some dumbass undergrad takes this to heart too early in their college career and winds up flat on their ass with a 0.65 GPA and a handful of wasted tuition bills.
4.) Smuggle Out a Shitload of Wiley Cookies:
This may be one of the last chances you’ll ever have to eat a cookie made with unicorn farts, fairy dust, and pure, untainted love. If you don’t have Tupperware handy, no one’s going to judge you if you grab a trayful and make a run for it. If you’re lucky enough to have a student working the swipes instead of a menopausal old lady who cares deeply for her job, you can pretty safely bet that you won’t have anyone chasing you.
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After turning 21 and familiarizing yourself with Purdue’s bar scene, you start to realize there’s more to life than taking pulls out of a plastic bottle of shitty vodka and shotgunning a beer that tastes like tangy, wet cardboard. But, with higher quality drinks come higher prices, and sometimes it’s nice to buy cheap, for old time’s sake. What better way to offset the taste of cheap liquor than a 56-cent Den Pop? We recommend mixing Captain with The Sorostitute.
2.) Eat An Entire Large Cheesy Bread All By Yourself:
And on the eighth day, God created Mad Mush cheesy bread – and that’s when he peaked, if you ask us. So, if you haven’t done it, now’s the time, and if you’ve done it before, do it again: take down an entire large cheesy bread with no friendly assistance. Realistically, even if the experience completely ruins cheesy bread for you, this is the last time you’ll eat it for a good 4 months, at the very least. And if you’re graduating, this is probably the last time you’ll eat it – ever. Let that sink in.
1.) Put a bike in a tree:
Yeah, putting some poor, pre-pubescent freshman’s bike in a tree still makes you a douche – but it makes you slightly less of a douche when it’s your last day on campus. Plus, c’mon! If they’re stupid enough to leave their bike unlocked on a campus with a tradition like Purdue’s, then they’re stupid enough to pay the consequences. Boiler Up, Hammer Down, and lock that shit up, people.
To all those graduating, good luck in the real world; we’ve heard it sucks. To those returning next year, have a great summer break, and we’ll see you back in August.
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