The first big rivalry game of the season is happening tonight, and everyone who calls themselves a Boilermaker will be tuning in to watch IU get absolutely shit on. Here at The Black Sheep, we love Pokémon, we love Purdue, and we hate IU – so here’s an article comparing all three. And, don’t worry, even if you’re not familiar with Pokemon, you can still appreciate the following, dedicated to roasting the shit out of IU’s basketball team.
Magikarp is a useless, floppy fish Pokémon who is well known for being a pain in the ass to train because its only move is Splash, which does zero damage and basically just makes it look really fucking stupid against all of its opponents. Similarly, the only moves IU’s basketball team seems to possess this season involve them floundering around on the court and fucking up every opportunity that they have to score. One way that Magikarp is different from IU, though, is that Magikarp does eventually evolve into Gyrados, who’s kind of a badass; IU seems to lack the ability to evolve, or really improve, in any way, shape, or form. Ever.
The only people who like Zubats are the villains in the Pokémon world, whose only real talent is their incredible ability to bother the shit out of everyone they come in contact with – kind of like IU fans. The Pokémon themselves are notorious for popping up in the wild and challenging you to battle at times when they’re most unwanted; stumbling their way into your path so you can squash them like a bug and move on to more worthy opponents. Again, in that respect, they bear an uncanny resemblance to the IU basketball team.
Not only is Zapdos one of the three legendary birds of the Kanto region, it rocks the black and gold like no other Pokémon can. Like Zapdos, Purdue basketball is currently ranked one of the top three teams in the Big Ten, and they, too, own the black and gold every time they hit the court. Zapdos is rare, coveted, and powerful, not to mention immune to Ground-type attacks. In comparison, Purdue’s defense is currently ranked 80 spots higher than IU’s, so you could say our team is immune to Ground-type attacks, too – or at least to IU’s defense, which is pretty much known for sucking like no team has ever sucked before.
Another one reppin’ our school colors, Pikachu is an electric Pokémon, and, like Purdue, is known and loved by pretty much everyone. On the outside, Pikachus are cute and cuddly – but they pack a Thunderbolt as powerful as IU’s tendency to choke when the shot really counts. This is similar to the Purdue basketball team’s calm demeanor, which disappears on the court when they unleash star players Caleb Swanigan and Isaac Haas to fuck shit up. Like Purdue and unlike IU, Pikachu will actually put up a fight when an opponent challenges them, and people genuinely enjoy encountering them in the wild (or on the court). People who like Pikachu are generally the kinds of people that everyone wants to be friends with, similar to Purdue fans around the nation.
While you watch the game tonight, we ask you to think of the strange accuracy of these comparisons as IU gets their asses handed to them. Purdue’s football season may have been less than awesome, but we’re back for basketball, and in the famous words of Ricky Bobby, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”