We’ve all been there. You’re sitting alone on the bus and your eyes begin to wander. Suddenly you notice a familiar face, an acquaintance from that one class you had the last semester… something with a B… Brenda? SHIT! What’s her name? Can’t remember? Jeez, that’s awkward. Well, better pretend like they don’t exist! Here are 10 of the best places to divert your attention when avoiding eye contact with a Brenda:
10.) Your phone:
A classic move for any college student who has to sit somewhere for longer than 30 seconds. Why creepily look at strangers on the bus when you can comfortably look at strangers on your phone? Just scroll through everyone’s Snap Stories again. You probably missed a funny one last time! HA!
9.) Back of the bus driver’s head:
Send your eyes forward and take a gander at Stan the Bus Driver’s beautiful black curls, his elegant neck, his proud, yet humbly sloped shoulders. A true American hero. Unlike the other classless ingrates on the bus, you remember to pay your respects with a “thank you” before you leave. You imagine him say the words “you’re welcome, Son.” He called you son. Try to hold back those tears.
8.) The digital clock that’s always wrong:
What time is it, 10:30? Wait that can’t be right; it’s the middle of the afternoon. Is that in military time for the ROTC kids? FOR FUCK’S SAKE WILL SOMEONE FIX THESE CLOCKS?
7.) Your crotch:
Eyes down and no sudden movements. Oh God is that a stain? Well, don’t just lick your finger and start rubbing it! Quick, put your hands in your lap and clean it later. You better hope that’s milk from your cereal this morning.
6.) Out the window:
Watch the trees and the cars go by, the little droplets of rain forming streaks across the glass panes, hear the soft piano melody that begins to play as you make your way downtown, walkin’ fast, faces pass and you’re– DAMMIT WE SAID HOLD BACK THOSE TEARS.
5.) The inside of your eyelids:
Just like you used to do on family car rides, shut those lids and play dead like a scared possum. There’s no better way to check out of a potentially awkward social scenario like passing the fuck out. This strategy also works for first dates, job interviews, weddings, and funerals!
4.) Your phone (again):
It’s been at least three minutes since you last checked, so someone has definitely tried to text you by now. YES, A FACEBOOK NOTIFICATION! OH BOY IT’S… just people selling textbooks in the Class of 2019 page. Go back to fantasizing about the bus driver.
3.) At the cool graphic on the t-shirt of that girl across from you:
Just a glance– rub your eye or pretend to yawn. Honestly, you’re not just trying to stare at her boobs. Yeah, they’re like right there but you’re genuinely only interested in that sweet design. Is that a Banksy?
Yes, this a shameless self-promotion but you’ve obviously run out of notifications at this point so why not read up on your local satires?
1.) Fuck it:
Look straight into Brenda’s eyes– those emerald green pools of beauty. You begin to sweat. You don’t understand why you feel this way, but you can tell it’s right. You become positively infatuated, not breaking eye contact for the entire remainder of the bus ride, exchanging giggles and smirks like schoolgirls. You hope this moment lasts forever, but you just pulled up to Scott Hall… and it looks like she’s getting off. “Brenda!” you call out to her. She doesn’t respond. Her name isn’t Brenda. She is gone forever. You are alone. It’s okay to cry now.
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