In the nation’s current political climate and with natural disasters happening left and right, it’s hard to be totally focused during sex. So we at The Black Sheep came up with a few sex positions inspired by the campuses at Rutgers to help take the pressure of boning off your shoulders. We all deserve to release a load and since screwing is nature’s relaxation, one of these positions are guaranteed to achieve that sexual nirvana.
Livingston Campus: The Cock Market:
Go to Livingston to learn to make a buck and fuck. The fancy business building is your inspiration to have the most efficient and professional sex of your life. Get a bunch of business and economics majors (throw in some business administration minors to keep you on task and organized) and practice the real free market. Have an orgy. While watching the stock market spew random ass numbers, practice individual success with tens of different people. Be sure to get a salad from the Livingston Dining Hall post-orgy to refuel for your next intense pow-wow.
Douglass: The Praying Mantis:
For all our Douglass ladies out there: don’t stop fucking until YOU orgasm. If you’re having trouble finishing, just imagine a crowded F bus that pulls up to your stop, and everyone gets off—that image will definitely help get you off. If you’re still having trouble, commit sexual cannibalism and ferociously bite his head off. Some laboratory studies suggest that praying mantis males thrust more vigorously without a head attached, and well, only one head is important for this position anyway.
Cook is primal as fuck! Find a big open field, perhaps near Passion Puddle. Get on all fours (or have your partner get on all fours) and the primal instincts should kick in for the rest. With your manes flowing through the wind, it’ll be the most natural and majestic sex you will ever have.
College Avenue: Jungle Juice:
This is also known as the oral exam. This is for when all the jungle juice finishes at a party and everyone gets kind of bored. Get into an empty corner of a frat basement and get to the real juice. Assume whatever your preferred oral-giving position is, and get juicing. Then chug that jungle juice when the time cums.
Busch: The mito-cock-dria
Contrary to all the rumors, residents of Busch can get down too. With this method, you will finally feel motivated to use that $400 textbook. Go to the ARC (where the saddest people at Rutgers are), then get into regular old missionary. Place the textbook on the floor next to your partner’s head so you cand study and fuck at the same time. This is the ideal position during midterms: release some stress while retaining information. If you need a mantra to focus while study-fucking, here’s one: “I am the powerhouse of the cell, I am the powerhouse of the cell.”
You aren’t a true Rutgers student until you experience these mind-blowing sex positions. You can thank us later for your orgasms.
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