Obama, unfortunately, won’t be coming to speak at this year’s Commencement—in the words of the White House Press Secretary, “somethin’ came up, dawgs.” But don’t be disheartened, Rutgers students, because an all-American icon is coming instead: Bill Moyers! Who the hell is that, you ask? Shame on you! He’s the guy who ya know… did all those things… back then. And here’s why Bill’s going to be a better speaker than Obama would’ve been.
Bill is WAY More Relevant:
When was the last time you heard the name “Obama” come out of someone’s mouth, or saw a hip video on Facebook of Barack bein’ suave as hell with some world leaders? Probably like FIVE YEARS AGO! Whereas, Bill’s everywhere, kissin’ babies, takin’ selfies, posting videos of him and his kids tap dancing to “Formation.” What’s that? You haven’t seen any of these things, you say? Look harder.
Bill’s Wife, Judith, is Better Than Michelle:
Over the weekend, the two women went out to Buffalo Wild Wings for a light rooftop brunch and Judith was all, “Yo Mich, I bet I can beat you in the Blazin’ Challenge,” and Michelle was all, “Nuh uh, Judith. Just ‘cuz I tell pudgy kids to eat more lettuce and jump rope more don’t mean I can’t go into these wings.” Well, it turns out you are what you preach; Michelle only kept down one wing while Judith finished with a whopping twelve, one for every time Bill’s made her orgasm.
Bill is More Accomplished:
Bill Moyers has won Emmys for his journalistic work, has been the White House Press Secretary 1965-67, and has even been a pastor for a while. All Obama’s done is become the first black president of the Harvard Law Review and of the United States, pass monumental healthcare reform, bring the unemployment rate to under 6%, help legalize same sex marriage, create a climate change agenda, and some other things. Moyers: 1, Obama: 0.
Obama is Left-handed:
This is bad news, people. Left-handedness indicates that you’re the guy who uses his fiendish left hand to rule the free world, while most left-handers probably use theirs to wipe their shit and/or pleasure themselves.
Bill is More Relatable:
Reverse age is such a fad now: if you switch the numerals in Bill’s age, you get 18, while if you switch those in Obama’s age, you get 45. As you can see, Bill’s younger than Obama by like 27 reverse years. He could basically be a Rutgers undergraduate student, which makes him super relatable! So, when Moyers is on campus this May, don’t be afraid to invite him to your dages, drunken karaoke nights, and beer Olympics. Remember guys, he’s hip; except, don’t mention hips because one of his might be replaced.
He’s young, accomplished, right-handed, and his wife is a wing-eating savage. He’s all those things and he’s Bill Fuckin’ Moyers! What else could you ask for in this year’s Commencement speaker?