At Rutgers, where the sun shines, there’s a fuckboy. There simply isn’t a place where fuckboys don’t exist—in fact they flourish at universities. At a school like Rutgers, it’s even encouraged to be a fuckboy, especially after the university began offering it’s new major in fuckery. If you aren’t sure if your loved one is actually a fuckboy, The Black Sheep is here to help. If the individual in question would respond with, “aw yeah bruh,” to any of the following, you might have a fuckboy on your hands.
Drinks Body Weight in Beer (Every Wednesday – Sunday Night):
Here at Rutgers, we aren’t strangers to partying; we love it as much Ellen loves cat videos. But when a guy takes on the challenge (even though no one challenged him) to drink his height or weight in canned beers, you’ve spotted a fuckboy. It’s fun to do it a couple of times but when it happens nearly every night of every week, you know it’s time to dump his ass. And if you need physical evidence, take a look at the beer cans duct taped together as swords resting against his blown-up picture of the Scarlet Knights cheerleaders bending over to pick up their pom-poms.
Orders Delivery from Nirvani’s (Previously Kati Roll):
He once heard that girls like to try “ethnic” things so he decides to order from Nirvanis on Easton instead of taking you out to a proper dinner at Old Man Rafferty’s, like a gentleman. Not only does the food take three hours to deliver, but when you try to grab a snack from the fridge of his frat house, it’s locked. You debate leaving multiple times during the three hours just so you can stop watching him scratching and sniffing his balls while watching Fight Club for the hundredth time. And when you finally get home after a shitty veggie roll and even shittier sex, you get a Venmo notification requesting $10.50 from him. Grade-A Fuckboy.
Disrespectful to Bus Drivers and Passengers:
As much as we all love to hate on the RU bus system, there’s no use being rude to the bus drivers or other passengers. Bus drivers probably hate us more than we hate them since no one at Rutgers knows how to stand behind the freakin’ white line. But fuckboys at Rutgers do not care how rude they are. He’ll start a fight with a guy who accidentally bumped into him, or refuse to move his backpack (packed with free condoms from Hurtado and a bottle of Jack) from the row of seats next to him for a girl with a torn meniscus.
Wears A LOT of Rutgers Muscle Shirts:
The reason why he can’t pay for the Uber ride back home from the city is because the money he gets from his parents every month goes straight to RU muscle shirts. Purchased at ridiculous prices from the bookstore, he lives in them. He wears them not just to the gym or in the summer, but always. Fuckboys will go ahead and make the sides even deeper to show off their abs, just in case you aren’t one of the blessed individuals with access to their Snapchat story.
Only Wants to Meets you at Olive Branch:
You think it’s super cute that he wants to see you on weekday night. But once you realize that he only wants to meet you at Olive Branch during happy hour, you wish you could brand him with “FB” so the whole campus knows he’s a fuckboy. But for a moment, you defend him and think “what’s wrong with cheap drinks on a Tuesday?” but then you see his phone and notice he’s getting texts from “OB Redhead” and “OB Nice Tits.” Happy hour at Olive Branch is his go-to time and place to meet girls because fuckboys don’t pay for shit and he’s incapable of holding a sober conversation about anything besides “his boys” and his Waka Flocka Flame tattoo.
What would RU be without its fuckboys? The fuckboys are a crucial part of the delicate Rutgers system and without them, well actually… scratch that, many girls would be happier. Can’t live with them, but could definitely live without them.