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5 Things You Saw Living in Stonier that Fucked You Up Forever

On an almost daily basis students are forced to challenge the conventions of civilized society in a warped and twisted landscape, and with good reason: there are things at Rutgers that will fuck you up forever. Perhaps none that will strike so near and dear to your heart as the freaky-deaky stuff that happened in Stonier Hall your freshman year. 

5.) Walking in on your roommate, ya know, fucking:
You return late one night after a serious “studying session” at Alex and ignore the obvious warning signs. The five missed text messages, the locked door, and the creaking bed noises that are extra loud. Then you make eye contact with your roommate mid-sexual encounter, that piercing bright- NO! look away. For the rest of the semester, you silently judge your roommate for never washing their sheets after that night. 

4.) The sweet, sweet sounds of fire alarms in the wintertime:
WHOM! WHOM! WHOM! You put on a bathrobe apparently forgetting that it’s fucking cold outside. You make your way down, with wave after wave of confused and equal unprepared and sleepy students. Opening the door, the first blast of cold air makes you realize your nipples are definitely hard. And your balls? Well, they shrunk. 

3.) Laundry day:
Your clothes fucking reek, dude. You’ve been wearing the same jeans for five days and it’s gotten to that point that stink lines coming off of you like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown. You take down a bulging bag of clothes, throw a Tide POD into that swirly pool of a  washing machine, come back after an hour, and WHAT THE LIVING FUCK!?!? Someone’s left your laundry on top of the machine like an animal. 

2.) That one weird outlet that doesn’t ever work:
You’re in the middle of emailing, editing, and writing a paper for class. No matter how hard you beg, plead or scream at the wall, the outlet refuses to adequately provide power to your electronic devices.  May as well just give up and study in the lounge that smells like wet brown paper bags. 

1.) Crime alerts. Crime alerts. Crime alerts:
You decide to sacrifice one night’s sleep to access a previously untapped amount of time usable to finishing any project, or at least that seemed like a good idea five hours ago when you started pulling quotes from random sources on ArticlePlus. Just when you feel ready to give up, you get an email—no, not just one, but three. Three crime alert emails about a burglary, stabbing, and assault both on and off campus. Not only does your body hurt from poor posture, but now your sense of safety and comfort is damaged forever. 

Freshman year could be memorable for many things but you have to accredit your newfound cynicism and doubt to all the fucked up shit that happened in Stonier. At least you didn’t have to deal with a bear outside your dorm. 

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!

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