Valentine’s Day is coming up and we know you’re lonely. With exams starting, long nights at the library are imminent, but meeting a special someone doesn’t have to take a backseat. Go to the library and find a lover. Follow the steps below and you can thank us later.
Step 1: Seating is Everything:
Where you sit determines what kind of person you could attract. The long tables in the back are usually reserved for frats and sororities, so if you’re into that, take a seat! The seats by the window usually breed mysterious people who like ~introspection~. The seats in the middle are usually where homeless people take naps, but hey, we’re not here to judge your preferences.
Step 2: Be Prepared to Party:
Alexander Library is essentially a party waiting to happen. A bunch of students in one place, but no jungle juice? Bring your own liquor and take control once the confidence juice gets in your system. Invite that your special someone to drink with you and if they reject you, then they weren’t the one anyways.
Step 3: Steal Their Laptop:
The best way to secure seduction with the cutie you’ve been eyeing is the art of mystery? Wait for them to get up to print or go to the bathroom. When that moment comes, it’s your time to shine. It’s important that everyone in the surrounding area sees you steal it. The more witnesses the better. Eventually, one of the witnesses will turn you in and that special someone will be forced to talk to you.
Step 4: Follow Them into the Science-Fiction Aisle of the Library:
Everyone knows that science-fiction gets little kinky every now and then. Channel your inner sex-alien and get your hands on their ASSteroids. Use the heat between you to start a fire. Books are extremely flammable, but the traumatic experience will bring you both together. The fire symbolizes the never-ending passion that will commence later, and hopefully you’ll Klingon to each other forever.
Step 5: Have a Mental Breakdown:
If you go to Rutgers we’re assuming you’ve had so many mental breakdowns that pretending should be second nature. Get on the ground in the fetal position, and let their paternal/maternal instinct shine. The key is to be as loud and obnoxious as possible to the point they can’t ignore you.
Step 6: Bring a Puppet to the Library and Have Them Do All the Talking:
People love talking inanimate objects and this is a great conversation starter! The puppet will pronounce its love for your prospective Valentine. This will simultaneously start a conversation and cement your chances at a date, for sure.
If you follow these steps, you’ll be sure to not only find a Valentine but also a partner for life. Happy seducing!
And speaking of Valentine’s Day…