College Ave Sidewalk Demolished to Create Designated Drunk Stumbling Lane
In a new effort to mitigate the risks associated with roving swarms of wildly intoxicated students flooding the streets of New Brunswick, DEVCO has unveiled plans to construct a designated path along College Avenue for students to stagger aimlessly without threatening the safety of passing cars and sober pedestrians, sources reported Wednesday.
The plans were announced after an overwhelming grassroots movement, spearheaded by the International Fraternity Council, in partnership with PASIV, Pedestrians Against Stepping In Vomit, and the local chapter of FWC, Families With Children.
“The real goal here is to keep us safe from them, and to keep them safe from themselves,” said Dean of Students Miranda Castro. “We’re hoping to see a sharp decline in incidents of sidewalk urination, students running into traffic demanding their tuition be paid, and drunken strangers with horrific tequila sweat body odor putting their arm around you, asking for cigarettes.”
Demolition and construction of the sidewalk is set to begin at an indeterminate time in the future and is expected to last anywhere from two to thirteen months, according to a DEVCO spokesperson.
Keeping in the spirit of renaming landmarks to honor African American leaders, Rutgers University has agreed to name the sidewalk the “Diddy Platinum Ciroc VIP Lane” after a multi-million dollar endorsement from hip-hop mogul and brand ambassador for Ciroc Vodka, Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs, who has pledged to equip every foot of sidewalk with velvet rope and carpeting.
“Listen, I know it’s not exactly Sojourner Truth,” said University President Robert Barchi in response to criticism of the naming decision, “but velvet rope isn’t cheap. And the families of dead civil rights leaders didn’t seem to be very enthusiastic about this particular project, for whatever reason.”
The current designated bus and bike lanes will be repainted to be five inches narrower to make room for the new lane, once again closing off traffic for the period of “whenever the fuck to who fucking knows”.
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