Rutgers student Mike Michaelson* spoke to reporters regarding details of the attack that occurred at the Busch campus courtyard this morning.
“I didn’t know birds could get that angry.” he began, eyes wide as he recalled the terror. “They were huge; probably pregnant. I was just walking to my chem recitation, trying to avoid the bird poop on the walkway. Unfortunately, I got some on the bottom of my shoe and stood on my other leg to check the damage, but I lost balance and had to slam my foot down on the grass.”
Shaking, Michaelson continued, “And that’s when they charged.” When asked for further comment, the freshman simply shook his head and sunk back into dirty, 8-week-old sheets, nursing a small bruise on his calf and a larger bruise on his public reputation.
At approximately 8:35 a.m., distressed cries for help were heard coming from behind the Science and Engineering Resource Center. An off-duty Rutgers University Police Department officer arrived on the scene to find a student being chased and harassed by three geese across the courtyard. Before she could intervene, eyewitnesses said that the geese halted their rampage as soon as the student tripped and fell onto a concrete walkway, which effectively removed him from the grass.
“At first I didn’t notice; I was super busy studying for my Dynamics class,” said Jaime Freeman, a school of engineering sophomore, who witnessed the incident. “Anyway, some kid started screaming outside the SERC. Turns out the geese just got pissed off again. They were running after him, flapping their wings. I don’t know why they didn’t just fly? It would’ve been much more efficient to take the kid down from above.”
As of now, nothing has been released by the university with regards to the threatening presence of geese or the incident. However, given past incidents on campus, most feel it’ll be only a matter of time before Paul Fischer emerges from the depths of his office for the fifth time in a week to issue another crime alert.
*name changed to protect the privacy of the poor student who will inevitably evoke the wrath of angry PETA activists claiming that the entire Busch courtyard was commissioned entirely for the geese and that humans are unfairly encroaching upon its granted territory.
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