Here’s a Final Every RU Student Can Pass!
Finals are just around the corner, and we know you’re stressed out. If you’re scared of failing, here’s an exam that you’re sure to pass. If you can’t pass this exam, you’re probably blind and unfortunately there’s no braille version out yet, but we’re working on it. Regardless, The Black Sheep invites you to give it a stab.
1.) Where’s best place to cry during finals week?:
a. Red Lion Café. No one goes there.
b. Hidden Grounds. Just bring a book of poetry with you and everyone will think you’re ~deep~.
c. On the pool table at Rutgers Zone. Swim in your tears.
d. Anywhere on Busch. No one’s ever on Busch.
2.) Which of these dining halls will give you diarrhea?:
a. Livingston Dining Hall
b. Neilson Dining Hall
c. Brower Dining Hall
d. Busch Dining Hall
3.) What’s the best way to cope with the stress during finals?:
a. Call CAPS and ask for assistance.
b. Practice mindfulness. Be mindful of all the reasons you should probably drop out.
c. Make your roommate uncomfortable by using the entire space of your dorm to do yoga.
d. Cry uncontrollably until 3a.m. while avoiding your responsibilities.
4.) STEM majors constantly remind you about how much they need to study:
5.) You’re about to have sex with that cute guy/girl from your study group and realize you don’t have any condoms. What do you do?:
a. Take a trip to the SAC and buy them together.
b. Pull out.
c. Kick them out.
d. Use a Twix wrapper (or a Tootsie Roll wrapper, if you’re not as big).
6.) Where’s the best place to use up your remaining meal swipes/guest swipes?:
a. Donate them to charity.
b. Sbarro on Livi. You can never go wrong with pizza.
c. The Rock Cafe. Not affiliated with Dwayne Johnson.
d. Woody’s. (Hint: The answer is always Woody’s)
7.) Where’s the best place to have sex during finals week?:
a. Your bedroom. Why should you leave your room to get your nut?
b. In a car. #CommuterLife
c. The stacks in any library. Gotta be efficient in balancing your sex life and school life.
d. In Passion Puddle. Rumor has it there’s a new strain of Meningitis in the puddle.
8.) Sakai will definitely be down when you need to submit your final project:
9.) What’s the best way to avoid long boarders?:
a. Planking. Long boarders will have no choice to avoid you.
b. Walk in a zigzag pattern to make them uncomfortable enough to get off their long board and walk.
c. Throw pebbles under them as they skate past you.
d. Avoid large seas of pussy. Long boarders are always drowning in pussy.
10.) You have a paper due at 11:59 p.m. Tuesday night but your friends invite you to Olive Branch and beers are only $1.50 each. What do you do?:
a. Go with them, you deserve it.
b. Do your work like a responsible student.
c. Complain on Snapchat about how much work you have.
d. Bring your laptop to the bar and for every page you finish, chug a beer.
We would include an answer key but this is a pass/fail test and guess what: you passed! Now you can use this as momentum to make every other final you have left your bitch. You got this.